Amanda and the Hendersons

 "I stood up in the shower today." That sentence might seem like too much information, or weird...strange even.. I get that.  But I said that sentence out loud to myself over 50 times on Friday.  "I stood up." "I stood up." "I STOOD." You see, its been many many months since that seemingly small occurrence has happened.... January.  Thats the last time. Over 11 months ago. Every time I have showered since then, I have done anything but stand. I have slipped into the water and fallen to my knees... or climbed in from the bathroom floor to the shower floor.  I have laid down like a small child. I have sat there. Water pouring over my whole self and falling to the tub floor, mixing there with my tears.  I have sat....silently crying...shaking. Other days unable to stop the sound... Crying loudly and praying that the dropping of the water around me would soften the noise. I have been so so low. I have prayed... I have tried to hold myself together al

Traditions..... I am one who holds tight to traditions. Like white knuckle tight. I love them I love the certainty and the assurance that comes from the known. In the world I have lived in for many years, often the unknown drives the car. So any little bits of known that I can hold onto, I do. Many years ago, when Paysen was about 3 or so..we started a tradition. He was old enough to realize when I was leaving with Parklen to the hospital, and old enough to know that neither of us knew how long we'd be apart. I have visions of his face as I would pull out of town, fear, sadness, tears. So one morning, whilst loading my suitcase into the car I had an idea. I took out a black sharpie and I drew a small heart on his wrist and then placed a copy on mine. I held it up and said, "Now when you look at this you will know I am looking at mine too...you can remember how much I love you and miss you. It can be a small way to keep us together while w

I have spent some time in reflection over the last few months, deep deep reflection....wading the waters of feelings and resting on the shore of faith.... Recent happenings in our world have really thrown me to the waves of uncertainty...the salty waters of anxiety and the crashing waters of fear..... I am sure I am not alone in this. I imagine many mommas out there struggling. Talking with a "hospital friend," the other day, although a short conversation...brought me much comfort. She said it best, this is PTSD.....this is just like what we've lived. The current demands on our country, feel a lot like taking care of a sick kiddo.....hearing the news talk about social distancing takes me swiftly back to Parklen's sickest days.... Days when we didn't allow visitors into our home, Parklen's kindergarten teacher wore a mask and gloves and scrubbed things down before she could sit with him for his schooling..... We had a station where we all cleaned up r

Ive been replaying this past year in my mind. Like a reel of an old movie, the pictures quickly passing by. It's a mostly bad movie. Critics would give it at least one thumb down. Its certainly not going to win any awards... I have been trying to figure out what, or why...the year was so hard.... and its come down to this... Belonging. I thought I did....or was trying so hard to... but I don't. I do not belong... in a specific group, in a specific place.. here, or there... I just don't. This realization has left a bitter taste in my mouth and an ache deep in my gut. But its truth. If you dissect that word belong ... you can clearly see the word long...   Belonging...longing. I want to...belong. I crave that inclusion... but reality is often different than our desires. On a girls trip this fall there was a discussion about the first time I left my kids for a weekend away.. it was almost 2 years ago, and they were losing their minds. They cr

We spend so much of our lives trying to find something... Small things.... Our keys, A missing shoe... The right turn, The remote control..... Bigger Things... Our purpose... Our spouse... Our faith... All of these are things I have searched for....some, many times... There are feelings that come with searching... Excitement, fear, frustration.... Sometimes desperation.... And when we find the thing....we often find relief....a sense of peace.. Its hard when we lose something...am I right?!?! We've all been there? As mothers, especially....Because we aren't only in charge of the things we've lost...but a whole family worth of things fall into our responsibility.... When you have multiple kids you have multiple chances to look for things... One kiddo can't find their shoe, its time to leave for school...there is running and screaming and searching and often tears..You juggle the search with trying to keep everyone else from losing something

Do you remember being a kid and learning to swim? I was thinking recently about how hard this test was for me....Swimming did not come natural...at all. I remember being in my swim classes and watching as the kids around me were confident and ready....easy to teach and fast to learn... I watched as they laughed...and splashed....and swam ... All the while, I clinched my white knuckles around the side of the pool...afraid to loosen my grip.  When I would finally release my grasp, one finger at a time... I would struggle...in every way. It was terrifying. I can see my scrawny arms and legs kicking frantically and flailing about, the ebb and flow of the water coming and going toward my face.....the heavy feeling of impending doom...I just could not get it. I failed plenty of classes....and yet my mom continued to sign me up...hoping eventually I would get it. The knot that forms when you fear you will drown is unmistakable. It's a feeling all its own. To look at everyone