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Recently it seems as though I am always searching.
For something...
For anything...
For answers...
For closure...
For fun,
For rest,
For peace....

A turmoil bubbling inside.
Like a washing machine that never reaches the drain cycle.
Ever bubbling,
Ever swishing about.

Sometimes the answer, 
The solution,
The reason....
is right before us.

Maybe it's because we are blinded by the light of what is shining so blatantly in front of our face.
Maybe its because we close our eyes...
Maybe its because we don't want to see...
or we try to overcomplicate things.

Ive been feeling less like me lately,
more like 
a tired,
desperate,
woman.

Less like the
light hearted, 
faith filled,
fun loving,
woman...that Ive always been.

And why?

For quite some time I tried to pinpoint what was missing...
What was I not seeing,
or doing..

And then a girlfriend said the most simple words to me.
"I think you need to write again."

The words felt like being hit in the face with a pile of leaves....
You shouldn't need the smack to know the obvious.
Its windy...
The wind is carrying the leaves.

Im not me...right now.
Im a leaf without a breeze.
The writing carries me.

At the core of who I am...
There are words...
clawing at the edges...
trying like hell to get out.

I am always filled with words...
With stories..
With meaningful thoughts.

Why have I been trying to keep them caged up?

Fear?
Exhaustion?

I don't know.

What I do know,
They have to get out.
The words.
The thoughts.
The feelings.

Even if I write just for me...
Even without a tragedy happening and news to share.
Even if no one reads.

I have to let them free.


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