Amanda and the Hendersons

  If If I could take it all back… All the moments I’ve spent… Filling out medical paperwork. Being on hold with Insurance …with doctors. Sitting in a waiting room.  Worrying.  Holding your hand. Sleeping beside you curled up on a couch. Placing my hand on your chest just to feel your breath.  Pumping milk behind a curtain when you were in a coma so you could eat.  Distracting you when you weren’t allowed to eat.  Rewatching your favorite shows on repeat in a hospital bed.  The hotel rooms.  The apartment.  The medical equipment.  The miles driven.  The missed meals.  The canceled plans.   The friendships lost.   The sharp left turns.    Wiping your tears.  Learning how to care for you.  Switching out oxygen tubes.  Overnight meds.  Loading your feeds.  Taking your vitals.  Flushing your port.  Caring for your stoma.  Carrying you for miles.  Sneaking you...

Recently it seems as though I am always searching. For something... For anything... For answers... For closure... For fun, For rest, For peace.... A turmoil bubbling inside. Like a washing machine that never reaches the drain cycle. Ever bubbling, Ever swishing about. Sometimes the answer,  The solution, The reason.... is right before us. Maybe it's because we are blinded by the light of what is shining so blatantly in front of our face. Maybe its because we close our eyes... Maybe its because we don't want to see... or we try to overcomplicate things. Ive been feeling less like me lately, more like  a tired, desperate, woman. Less like the light hearted,  faith filled, fun loving, woman...that Ive always been. And why? For quite some time I tried to pinpoint what was missing... What was I not seeing, or doing.. And then a girlfriend said the most simple words to me. "I think you need to write again." The words felt like being hit in the face with a pile of leaves......