If

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 If


If I could take it all back…

All the moments I’ve spent…


Filling out medical paperwork.

Being on hold with Insurance

…with doctors.


Sitting in a waiting room. 

Worrying. 


Holding your hand.

Sleeping beside you curled up on a couch.

Placing my hand on your chest just to feel your breath. 


Pumping milk behind a curtain when you were in a coma so you could eat. 

Distracting you when you weren’t allowed to eat. 


Rewatching your favorite shows on repeat in a hospital bed. 


The hotel rooms. 

The apartment. 

The medical equipment. 

The miles driven. 

The missed meals. 

The canceled plans.  

The friendships lost.  

The sharp left turns. 

 

Wiping your tears. 

Learning how to care for you. 


Switching out oxygen tubes. 

Overnight meds. 

Loading your feeds. 

Taking your vitals. 

Flushing your port. 

Caring for your stoma. 

Carrying you for miles. 


Sneaking you extra pudding from the cafeteria.  

Carrying your cooler full of medications. 

Teaching you to swallow pills at 2 years old. 


Having meetings with doctors. 

Fighting with insurance. 

Fundraisers.  

Sleepless nights. 

Breathing treatments. 


Making friends with your care teams. 

Pleading for help from doctors.  

Rocking you to sleep.  

The tearful snuggles. 

Your head on my chest.  

Calming your fits. 


All of it. 

Endless minutes. 

So many many hours. 

18 years. 

A lifetime.  


If I could take it all back. 

I never would. 

You are the greatest thing I have ever fought for. 


As I slowly step into a new role, more in the background,

As I watch you step forward, 

As I encourage you to be your own advocate…

As I try to quiet my voice so that yours can be heard. 


My prayer is that you will love yourself as fiercely as I have and do love you. 


That you will never stop fighting to achieve all that God has planned for you.

 

And that the world will see…

Exactly who you are meant to be. 


There is no greater earthly love than a mother for her child. 


Loving you is such a privilege .


And If I could. 

I would do it all over again.  

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