Amanda and the Hendersons

Three years ago I was about 7 months pregnant. I had just returned home after spending a good amount of time with Parklen down in the hospital. He had spent time in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, Struggling to breathe and fighting...yet again for his life. There was a certain instance that occurred during this time that replays in my mind time and time again... The teams of doctors that had known Parklen for many years and the teams that had just been brought aboard were struggling to find solutions to the problem that was Parklen's health. They were all running in circles, trying to communicate their own skill set...trying to apply their own speciality to his case.  It reminded me of those stationary pools the you see on infomercials late at night when you can't find sleep...where the swimmer is swimming their hardest, but the current is working so hard against them, that they remain in the same place. I was fragile during this time. Pregna...

"Just leave me alone" she whispered, the moment before she snuggled deep into my chest. The sun had not yet taken its place in the sky that morning when Phin stirred awake.  Fevered. Tired. Not feeling well for almost a week...and it had begun to take its toll on her tiny body, and her spirits.  It's the latest week of the many that have contained one miniature Henderson battling sickness.  No one having the same illness..all different, and all consecutively. One. After. The. Other. The days starting early and the nights ending not long before that. Tears, and cries. Coughs and fevers, Throw up and aching... She thought if she hid behind the chair...the doctor might leave her alone. It was a solo week...those tend to happen when your husband is attending grad school. Field work placements in another town...  leaving three kiddos and a mom looking forward to Friday a little more than usual..... People often say, When it rains, it pours. I have b...

Two years can fly by....and at the same time seem to last an eternity. I can not physically believe that it has been two years since the biggest day in Parklen's life.  I can not. Two years ago was the beginning of something new, for Devan and I, for Paysen, for Phin and mostly....for Parklen. We didn't know what tomorrow looked like back on this day in 2013 . The future was unknown.....just as it always is... but a big event, like a bone marrow transplant...brings that fact forward in your mind.  It is so easy to "plan" for your future....for the future of your family, your children.  It is so easy to live life as though you've got it figured out.....  But believe me....You don't. My life looks nothing like I had imagined it would at age 31...  Its much different.  I have spent a long 7 years running a race for my son... and my destination today, the place in which I currently stand, is different than I ever thought it would ...

Days are going by too quickly, they refuse to stop...I wish I could slow time.... Its hard for me to grasp the fact, that today you're turning 9. It seems like only yesterday that I first held you in my arms.... My beautiful baby boy, tiny and so perfect....I never could have dreamed, all the things you've come to be....You're greater than my thoughts could manage. A brother, a friend, a son, a hero. Paysen you are full of love and kindness, bursting with wit, frosted with spunk....and topped with a few sprinkles of mischief... You are the answer to many prayers Ive prayed.... Nine years old. Hard to believe. You make me proud to be your mom...and happy to witness your life. I love you Paysen! Happy Birthday to You!

I can remember dropping Paysen off at kindergarten like it was yesterday. My heart cried a little.... and butterflies fluttered about in my belly. I felt sad and happy all at once.... scared and hopeful wrapped together. and when I walked away from him that day, I cried. But my tears slowed quickly.... because I knew. I knew that, although I would miss him dearly, although he was growing far too quickly, and although I would love to keep him small forever.... He would be ok. I knew that Paysen would be ok. I knew that he would make friends and learn, I knew that there was nothing in that school that would destroy him... He would be ok. Every year I drop him at school.... and every year I shed some tears.... I cry because I know that the moment is fleeting... that before long he will be grown, I cry because I like him as well as love him....and I miss him during the day. But when I drive away from dropping him off..... I wipe my tears, because I kn...

This week has been tough.... In different ways. This day has been rough on my heart. Last night was back to school night.... I don't like back to school night.... I get emotional and all crazy about sending Paysen...my healthy kid to school...every.single.year. Watching Parklen walk down the hallways, through the crowds of children, and into his classroom.... was a tornado of emotions. It was so hard. It really was. I can imagine tomorrow, on his first day of going to school....it may be a bit harder. My heart sings at the joy he feels.... and it swells with his excitement..... but it is guarded, afraid, fearful... I am trying to get a handle on that fear. Overcome it. and let Paklen's joy win. I sit here tonight and remember... years worth of memories. Years worth of pain, years worth of struggle, years worth of fighting,.... and years worth of being there, by his side.....watching out for him. I cannot keep the tears from forming. I ca...

It would seem that sometimes life takes us where we are not ready to go. Life keeps moving when we would rather it stood still.... Like a child spinning round and round until they are too dizzy to stand.... Life can be that way. When we hiked earlier this month....Parklen spent time running.... My life is that way. You pray for something for so long.... and then it almost surprises you when the answer arrives.... The cells that Paysen gave to his brother at the beginning of summer.... Those glorious little cells... You know the ones... Well, it seems they were given in vain.... They did not complete the job they were intended for... They did not work. They had no effect on Parklen's being. Devastating. The hours Paysen spent in preparation.... the time he spent with a needle in his arm.... The tears he cried. The fears he felt... All for nothing.... I cannot even bring myself to tell him. because it hurts my heart, and I know it will hurt his t...