Amanda and the Hendersons

It was a few weeks ago, The kids were tucked nicely into their beds and I plopped down on the couch next to Devan. I pulled out my computer and my planner... and began to mark down the to do's  for the summer... The boys baseball games, weddings to photograph, appointments to attend, summer school, piano practises..... Our usual summer wish list of things we hope to do. The schedule quickly started to fill up.   As I glanced over the first page I noticed that many of the boys games were on the same nights...at the same times... I sighed loudly as I looked over to Devan, "How am I going to manage all of this by myself? How will I be able to see them both play?"   I was seriously stressed out about it. I tend to do this... find something.... obsess over it....   It was the first year that Parklen would be playing a sport. He had chosen baseball...which was delightful to me, because it just happens to be my favorite. He was super adorable wa...

There is very little that is quite the same.....as mothering a daughter... Three years have flown by in the blink of an eye. My little pixie... convinced that she can do anything... and I will never convince her otherwise... She is funny, She is smart, Clever, and sweet. She loves to tell stories of make believe.... She is best friends with an imaginary Dinosaur named Gracie..(I couldn't make this up) She prefers to play by herself or with her "Parks" (Parklen) instead of with kids her own age.... She spends hours a day making pretend pancakes in her tiny kitchen. She loves to mother her baby dolls... Sing, Dance.... She can melt your heart with her tiny voice. "Dance with me mom" Spinning circles in the living room.... She holds her daddy's heart. The key to her brother's insanity.... She offers my greatest challenges each day, and my sweetest rewards at night when I tuck her in (who am I kidding...she never sleeps) as she ...

"It has been a day......" I thought to myself as I slumped down into the couch... The kids finally tucked into their beds, and the first moment of silence for the day rang calmly in my ears.... The moment of peace quickly faded as the list of worries  quickly found their place at the forefront of my mind.... constant. Ever present.... It has been more than a day..... There is an elephant that smiles down at me as he perches himself upon my chest....as if to say, "Yes, I'm still here..." Although, I already know this to be true...because the weight .....oh the weight...is hard to bear... Each breath feels heavy and hard to grasp.... and why?!?! Not one reason....but many. The worry resides... The ever present companion.... The unknown... I yearn for a breath so deep... for the weight to be lifted. and Yet, I struggle. Too much swimming through the rivers of my mind to convey... too deep of waters to wade... I pray for relief...

Three years ago I was about 7 months pregnant. I had just returned home after spending a good amount of time with Parklen down in the hospital. He had spent time in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, Struggling to breathe and fighting...yet again for his life. There was a certain instance that occurred during this time that replays in my mind time and time again... The teams of doctors that had known Parklen for many years and the teams that had just been brought aboard were struggling to find solutions to the problem that was Parklen's health. They were all running in circles, trying to communicate their own skill set...trying to apply their own speciality to his case.  It reminded me of those stationary pools the you see on infomercials late at night when you can't find sleep...where the swimmer is swimming their hardest, but the current is working so hard against them, that they remain in the same place. I was fragile during this time. Pregna...

"Just leave me alone" she whispered, the moment before she snuggled deep into my chest. The sun had not yet taken its place in the sky that morning when Phin stirred awake.  Fevered. Tired. Not feeling well for almost a week...and it had begun to take its toll on her tiny body, and her spirits.  It's the latest week of the many that have contained one miniature Henderson battling sickness.  No one having the same illness..all different, and all consecutively. One. After. The. Other. The days starting early and the nights ending not long before that. Tears, and cries. Coughs and fevers, Throw up and aching... She thought if she hid behind the chair...the doctor might leave her alone. It was a solo week...those tend to happen when your husband is attending grad school. Field work placements in another town...  leaving three kiddos and a mom looking forward to Friday a little more than usual..... People often say, When it rains, it pours. I have b...

Two years can fly by....and at the same time seem to last an eternity. I can not physically believe that it has been two years since the biggest day in Parklen's life.  I can not. Two years ago was the beginning of something new, for Devan and I, for Paysen, for Phin and mostly....for Parklen. We didn't know what tomorrow looked like back on this day in 2013 . The future was unknown.....just as it always is... but a big event, like a bone marrow transplant...brings that fact forward in your mind.  It is so easy to "plan" for your future....for the future of your family, your children.  It is so easy to live life as though you've got it figured out.....  But believe me....You don't. My life looks nothing like I had imagined it would at age 31...  Its much different.  I have spent a long 7 years running a race for my son... and my destination today, the place in which I currently stand, is different than I ever thought it would ...

Days are going by too quickly, they refuse to stop...I wish I could slow time.... Its hard for me to grasp the fact, that today you're turning 9. It seems like only yesterday that I first held you in my arms.... My beautiful baby boy, tiny and so perfect....I never could have dreamed, all the things you've come to be....You're greater than my thoughts could manage. A brother, a friend, a son, a hero. Paysen you are full of love and kindness, bursting with wit, frosted with spunk....and topped with a few sprinkles of mischief... You are the answer to many prayers Ive prayed.... Nine years old. Hard to believe. You make me proud to be your mom...and happy to witness your life. I love you Paysen! Happy Birthday to You!