Wednesday, February 13, 2013

The same......

This is destined to bounce back and forth....hitting here and there and possibly not making much sense.....bare with me, I can barely remember to comb my hair any more....."pregnancy brain" has done me in.......

Parklen and I have been home from the hospital for exactly two weeks.  It has been a roller coaster since then........

With in a few days of arriving home, Parklen was perked up and doing so so well.  He was laughing a lot, breathing well and loving life.  Exactly one week home, and it all changed.

I have refrained from updates and posts about Parklen over the past week.  I cant bring myself to face the music.  His symptoms are coming back.  Maybe he caught something his brother brought home from school?  Maybe something his dad brought from college.  Maybe. 

What I know is this......we go back to Denver next week (already) He is going to receive a couple of IV medications.......going to see a billion doctors and specialists.  Get his usual pile of blood tests.

I have not been able to stop crying, in turn, pushing out my closest friends......not wanting to talk about it.  Because I am tired of talking about it.  I am tired of answering the same question, "how is Parklen doing?"  Because, as much as me and everyone else wants it to, the answer doesn't change.....he isn't good.  I feel like, eventually....people will stop asking., stop.  Fear that they will tire of the same answer. 

Parklen's team will try the current plan, at least through the rest of the cold and flu season......after that, if it isn't working.......things will get very scary.  This.  Is .  It.  The last effort of somewhat "easy" treatment roads. 

Talking about it all, doesn't make it easier....instead it stirs up more fears and feelings.  I took some time to dump my upsets on Devan last night......he is the only other person who even remotely understands how I feel........and the only one who feels safe enough to let go of my "strength" in front of.

On an up note, my family has been receiving a ton of blessings from people, people from church, from Bible study, facebook, People we do not even know.   God never fails to amaze me in this way, he brings the things you need, the help you require....through others who love Him.  Thank you, all of  you.....going out of your way to bless us.

I have been spending every night, after the boys go to the baby's room.  It is just about ready for her....and somehow, sitting in here.....thinking of the Joy that this tiny child is bound to bring. is calming to me,   Plus, seriously.....her room is super cute.  :)

Five day weekend for me and the little boys.....three day for Devan.....We are going to squeeze out every ounce of family we can this weekend.