Monday, January 30, 2012

~~~~~another day~~~~~~

There are some days when I absolutely convince myself that I have made up Parklen's illness.  I think thoughts in my head like, "he probably isn't really sick, I must be imagining it,"  I think this is my way of trying to take responsibility for his problems.......  I sit and wonder these things, and then I look down to see Parklen, his face so under his eyes, fluid gushing from his ears, I see his protruded stomach, the lines in his teeth....I watch as he cries from pain, I know very well.......I am not making it up.  Never mind that the doctor's tell me so, just seeing him tells me more.

We are battling Prednisone in our home, Parklen is really struggling to control himself.  The side effects of this drug are so strong, even at the low dose that he only takes every other day.  Parklen cannot sleep...not hardly at all.  Falling asleep is all but impossible, staying asleep even harder.  His "roid rage" is intense.  He is lashing out at everyone for seemingly most everything.  His brother is covered in scratches...head to toe.  They cannot be left alone in a room for more than ten seconds without this happening........Paysen mostly just accepts it, doesn't tend to fight back much because he knows its from the medicine.   He is the best brother. 

Every day Paysen prays: "God, please heal my brothers body, help him to not be sick anymore."  He shows such sweet compassion for him, so sweet for his mama to see.

Today is just a day when I feel the heat.........
Thankful for a new start tomorrow!

 We spent some time away a week or so was relaxing, and very much needed.  We stayed at our friends house that sits right on a lake......Devan was in an ice fishing tournament, which if you ask me is a terrible idea. 

I spent the entire weekend just hanging friend, who is nine months pregnant was great company and not too too crazy.....  It was the first weekend in a long time when I didn't have to cook....relaxing for sure.

At one point I decided to venture out to my mans "hut" and see what the fuss was about.....I threw on my boots and trucked across the frozen water.  It didn't take but 5 minutes for me to "see" and decide that he can have ice fishing....I want no part.  Although it did seem very intensely exciting sitting in the chair and staring at the hole in the ice, all the while freezing my buns off.....not for me.

Our boys were wild and free there.  It was a good weekend.

I plan on traveling back there again very soon, of course to meet the new baby, but also to relax with our old friends.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

On the potty train....

The best part of potty training.....

I feel like the entire world should know, and be excited about the fact that my three year old hasn't pooped his pants in ELEVEN days....That's right, my THREE year old (they said he would be five or six) is no longer messing his pants.  This means no more diapers, no more diapers NO MORE DIAPERS!!! 

Every night he takes his place on our "stage" (atop a kitchen chair) and I say, in my best announcer voice, "Attention Henderson Family, I would like to introduce the boy who has gone ____ days without POOPING his pants...give it up for Parklen Henderson.."  we all clap as hard as we can as Parklen takes a bow.  As Parklen steps down, Paysen climbs up..."Attention now for the older brother, the one who has taught Parklen all he knows....Paysen Henderson..."  And we clap and that's the end of it.   The boys freak about this......its really dorky and really silly but it works.  Making a big deal, makes it a big deal.

Parky this week before getting his ear tubes.

Its been a crazy month....CRAZY.  We have had some super stress, and some not so much.  We have been to Denver for appointments, Out of town for some relaxation and home for the rest of the time.  One thing has remained constant this month....CHAOS.  My house is a wreck, horrible.  My car looks like a teenagers.  And best of all, my boys have decided that listening to ANYthing is far overrated. 

I cant seem to stay home long enough to make a dent in the disorganization, between morning preschool, afternoon preschool, Physical therapy, Occupational therapy, Cognitive therapy, Piano lessons, Bible study, Doctors Appointments, Errands, Blah, blah, blah......I just cant get a foot hold in my house.  Always driving.... My left leg is constantly sore from Clutching....haha.

I need some relief from the arguing going on with my boys....I'm just done.  They are yelling, screaming, fighting, more than normal.  They are talking back to me, THEIR MOTHER....I am not doing this.  So, I am pulling out my mean mama.....Tonight they will say goodbye to their toys....not forever....but for now.  I have done this before a few years ago with Paysen, and it works.  I will bag up all their toys and store them away.  Every day, they will have the opportunity to earn one back.  I wont argue with them, I wont play the first, second, third chance game....If they listen, they get a toy.  If they don't...better luck tomorrow.

I know it sounds mean and crazy...but it has to be done. There was a time when I was a very strict mother.  There was one surgery treat allowed each day, no tolerance of whining, the list went on.  To be honest, I had the most well behaved boy in Paysen.....Then along came Parklen....I held my ground for a while,  but Once the hospital stays began I lost control.  The control has slipped through my fingertips a bit more every day since then.   They don't listen to me in public, at home....when I'm trying to protect them....NEVER. 

It has never helped that everyone in Parklen's life feels sorry for him.  This brings a huge heap of spoiling by all.  He gets what he wants, when he wants from whomever he wants.  Then he is sent home with me, try telling you child that he cant have everything he wants after he has been given everything he wants.  VICIOUS!   I believe that he should be spoiled with love, gifted with time but not this way.  At three years old he knows how to manipulate, he knows how to "work" his sickness. 

Paysen doesn't listen because Parklen doesn't....How would it be fair if he had to behave and Parklen didn't.  I'm sure that's his thinking.  I also think he is constantly dying for attention and will take it in any fashion....good or bad. 

My migraines have been attempting to get the best of me lately...add that in with the weather causing my hands to be at their worst and all together I am feeling swell....I will not let this pain win.....Tomorrow is cleaning day and I will attempt to put a dent in this place....with no toys around, it should be a bit easier.

Anyhoo....let me concentrate on the wonderful...Parklen is potty trained....Paysen is super smart......Devan is doing good  so far this semester....and I am ALIVE....

To be continued..................

P.S. If your reading my blog....why don't you "follow" my blog...come on, ya know you want to :)

Thursday, January 12, 2012


I could not even hold back the tears today.  It was a normal fit for Parklen, especially normal after two straight hours of high dose steroids being pumped into his veins.  But, for whatever reason, when he began punching, scratching, hitting and attempting to choke me....I lost it. 

  I was just staring down at my baby, watching him turn purple as he attempted to get enough breath for his next scream, and my heart hurt so much that the tears shot out of my eyes. His rant was brought on by something small, a finger poke.  They just needed a tiny bit of blood for a test they missed yesterday.  This kid has had a billion finger pokes, they aren't a big deal.  Today he wasn't having it....he won the fight, they poked and he cried so much that his blood clotted and the test didn't happen.
  The entire infusion floor could hear his wails (if you have never experienced a Parklen fit, it really is something to write home about) That kid can scream.

  The moment that Parklen saw my tears, he stopped.  It was in that moment that I felt the weight of failure...........What had I done?  How could I have lost my cool, Parklen needed me to be strong in his weak moment, and I just couldn't do it.

  I am feeling the weight of daily life heavy on my shoulders.  I physically ache, my migraines are terrible, my back is killing and my arthritis is at its worse.........I feel very old.  I don't feel connected to many people, my friends, my family, my kids, my husband.

  I cant put my finger on the difference, I have been through much harder times than this.....Its just here and now that is getting to me.  I don't feel sorry for myself, I just feel exhausted......

   The boys are napping here in the hotel, and I am sitting in such quiet that I can loudly hear my thoughts.  I am looking at the clock, its almost 6 and I should be waking them up but I cant make myself do it..........I took a bath, started a new book, watched the news and checked my email.....I am FULLY  aware that they will be staying up a little later tonight, but the silence is worth it to me now. 

   We have one more day of treatments tomorrow, as well as visits from his other doctors here....then its home till next month.  There has been talk about moving here when Devan graduates......I hope the conversation dissipates....This place drains the life from my veins.
So now, that was a very depressing bit of words.....sorry for that.
On a happier note, This too shall pass, and all could very well be cured with some chocolate and finishing the rest of this book.....