I have been receiving so many messages and texts......filled with concern for our family, for me. People are worried about Parklen for obvious reasons.....but people worry about me too. Possibly because I am six and a half months pregnant....possibly because people cannot imagine being in my place.
I just want to let everyone know....I am OK! I will admit, it is a bit harder being here while being pregnant.....It is a bit harder to contain my emotions.....I have to be sure to eat regularly, and I have to make 1.5 billion trips to the bathroom......but I am doing OK!
Being alone down here isn't as bad as people think. I am so used to it. I have spent over four years living this lifestyle. If I ever needed, Devan would speed down in a moments notice. I don't want that. I feel like it is super important for him to be with Paysen. When I think of our unfortunate situation, and how I cannot be with my eldest son, the only thing that brings me comfort is that Devan is. We used to send him to be with family, he would be shifted around to different houses......causing more stress. Now, he is in HIS home, with HIS dad..... and he is being taken care of. I feel like, this is not the life that I want forever....and having the one half of our family that CAN...living as normal as a life as possible is better for our future.
I could ask Devan to drop out of college.....(Im sure a lot of people think he should) I could insist that he come along....I could arrange care for Paysen....but my heart tells me no. My heart tells me that Devan is creating a better future for us, regardless of how hard the present may be. My heart tells me that Paysen needs to be with at least one of his parents.....my heart tells me that I can carry this hospital burden....I have a lot of encouragement.....a lot of support and I can do it. My faith has carried me a long way, and it will continue to do so.
My other boys will head down for the weekend to visit. Paysen will be unable to see Parklen....Flu season and his age will prevent it. But he will get to see his mommy and Parky will get to see his daddy. Truth be known, it is probably best that he doesn't see him anyway......the vision of his little brother with tubes coming out of every direction and being unable to speak...may be haunting to our six year old.
When I sit alone here, I feel peace......peace in the moments of not having to speak. Not having to try and explain what is going on with my son. Feeling the liberty to "ignore" a text or phone call. Breathing deeply as I watch my baby. Not having to see sadness on someone elses face as they look at my son.
I appreciate all of the offers to join me down here at the hospital. I know that, if there comes a time when I just cannot be alone....someone will be here for me. That time has not come. Please, continue to pray....please continue to think of our family. The prayers are the best gift.....
And please remember......I am OK.
Parklen is going into surgery this afternoon. They have to take some more samples of his lungs for further testing....and they have to work on his ears to relieve pain and help with his hearing. He hasnt changed much the past day and a half.....still in the PICU, still hooked up to breathing machine...still being pumped full of meds......Only time will tell how long this current venture will continue.....