Wednesday, January 26, 2011

No one told me. . . .

No one ever told me what it was like to have a boy.  No one warned me of the number a little boy would do on my heart.  No one told me that no matter who has loved you before, no love can compare to the love your own little boy will give. 

Paysen was the biggest life changer for me.  He came along just in time to save me from myself. . . .before Paysen I didn't see the world like I do now, I cared about having fun and being crazy. 

 From the moment I found out that I was pregnant my life has never been the same.  I instantly felt like a new person.  I never took  a responsibility so seriously.  I was definantly one of the craziest women EVER during this time. 

Being pregnant, I couldn't read enough books, I couldn't research enough, I couldn't ask my doctor enough questions, I couldn't eat healthy enough, I could NOT have tried harder than I did.
I walked around with a feeling unlike any other.  I was to be a mother, someone would call me mommy.  I couldn't wait.

My sweet Paysen was born and a new chapter in my life quickly followed. What a joy it was to hold him, to nurse him, to kiss him.  I loved my baby.  We had decided that there was no sacrifice too big for me to be home with our son.  That even if we had to eat Ramen Noodles, or never do anything social it was worth Me being a stay at home mom. Honestly the best decision of my life. 

Paysen became so much more than a baby very quickly, he became my little friend.  He was talking before he should, walking pretty soon too.  He could hold a conversation before the age of one.  By only 18 months he could tell you the name of each and every one of his 30 hotwheels cars.  Such a smart boy.

Paysen is oh so funny, if you have met him you know this.  He has the Wit of someone 5 times his age and the timing to go with it.  He makes me laugh all the time, even when I am trying my best to be stern.

One day, Paysen's whole world changed.  He was given a brother.  This was not a gift that he readily accepted.  He didn't like the idea of sharing his house, his things and especially not his mom and dad.

When Parky got sick I had no choice but to leave Paysen behind, he couldn't be with me.  I had to go with the greater need.  This is one of the toughest things I have had to do.  I was away from him for almost a month, (that was just the first time) seeing him for only a couple days.  He, only 2 at the time, wasn't greatly into talking on the phone so I was just with out him.  He changed while I was gone.  He didn't trust me as much any more. (How could I have left him? why would I go with out him?) 

After the first hospitalization of Parky, Paysen was a different boy.  He began to cry about every thing, I couldn't take him to school with out a horrible fit, he didn't even want to stay with his Nana. . . if I was out of his sight, he was crying.  I cant imagine how he felt or how the world looked through the eyes of a two year old in this situation.

Paysen loves his mommy, in his words,"Mom, do you know how much I love you? As much as there are rocks on the earth, and mom, thats a lot." 

I never knew that every toy or object could and would be turned in to a weapon, airplane or missile.  I didn't know that wrestling was, not only a fun activity but a necessity at least a few times a day.  I didn't know that any creature on earth could have as much energy as a little boy. 

As time goes on I watch my little man grow up.  Tears fill my eyes when I think of him being a four year old. Where has the time gone?  I think of the things I have missed while being with his brother, always feeling guilt.  But when I think about Paysen, the thing that strikes me the most is that no one ever told me, no one ever told me that such a huge wonder found in such a small package would occur in my life , and that the love of this one child had the power to change my whole world.

I love my Paysen.

Monday, January 24, 2011


It is very sad when my two year old son says, while I am carrying him, "mom, I don't wanna fall down."  He says this because, well, I fall down a lot. I am really good at falling down, but I am also really good at making sure its me that gets hurt and not him. 

I guess my gracefulness is where Parklen gets his.  This kid is a walking bruise.  He, AT ALL TIMES, has either a black eye, goose egg, scrape, bruise, gash or something bloody.  I am lucky that he is my 2nd child, I got most of my crying out when Paysen used to fall. . . . it still hurts me, but I am much more relaxed.  Had he been my first, I would probably have heart problems from watching him get hurt so much.

He falls, he cries, "mommy, you have to kiss it."  So I do.  Then the crying is done. 

Parklen's attitude is priceless.  He will always do it himself, unless its walking. . . .he insists that he cannot walk. . . HE is where I get my muscles, my constant built in work out!  He wants to give a million kisses, loves and squeezes.  He doesn't like to share, unless its his idea.  He loves his brother, (unless he wants him to share.)

He takes his medicine with a smile, sees the doctors with out a frown.  He says "Thank you" to the people who draw his blood. 

Parklen loves our poor old dog, who is constantly hiding from him and his roughness, I keep thinking he needs a puppy. . .wild as him.

He looks like his daddy and has the same stubborn attitude.  He dances like his mom, which isn't such a good thing. 

He will eat almost anything, besides fruit.

Parklen loves to wrestle, unless he isn't the one on top. . .

The best thing about Parklen is, no matter what, where or how. . . he will choose his mommy.  He loves me like no one ever has. . .we have such a special bond, built on hospital stays, surgeries, pokes, sleepless nights, getting sick. . . and us, always together.  There hasn't been a thing that has happened to my baby that I wasn't there for.  He knows that he can scream, get sick on me, wake me up, be afraid of whats next, and I am there. 

There is a very special thing you learn from a child like Parklen, actually a very special MANY things you learn.       
                      Be thankful, even for the messes, the tears, the screams, the lack of sleep
                      Be thankful.
                      I have learned that life is so sacred, so fragile and so quick. 
                      I love the lessons I take with me.
                      I love my little Parky.

Thursday, January 20, 2011


 Last week was my Project completing week.  I really accomplished a lot. . . .some times I am amazed at what can be accomplished with two little boys around.  I tackled things that I have wanted to do forever and haven't made the time for.. . . . I love love LOVE do it yourself projects. I love to improve things around our house. . .I love crafting. . .So not too shabby of a week for me in that regard.

I took off our Pantry door in the kitchen, primed it with magnetic primer, coated it with Chalk Board Paint. . and now, a new message center.

Did the same thing with Paysen's closet door. . . .I love chalk board paint, I wasn't so crazy about the magnetic primer, probably wont use it again.  I got pretty woozy using it, it was super stinky and messy too.

Got about 20 pages of Parklen's scrap book completed!! This is huge for me, after putting it off for over two years.

I got a ton  of organizing done, and most importantly I got a ton of cuddling with my beautiful boys.  Spent some good time with Devan before he headed back to school! So, If I ignore the fact that little Paysen had his tonsils out and was miserable for a couple weeks, the past two weeks were alright!!

 Now Paysen is back to school, back to his little friends, back to his routine. . .back to himself, well himself with a tiny little nasally voice. . . .

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Last sick day. . . .

Today will be my last sick day with Paysen.  I am sending him to school in the morning.  He says that he is ready to go back and then in the next breath says he cant eat anything but ice cream because his throat just hurts too bad.  Cracks me up that he thinks he is fooling me......Trust me, I know that he is doing rather well, I know that he could choke down some mashed potatoes....but I just don't care.  I don't care that he is feeling better and wants to continue to milk the situation.  I don't care that he thinks he is smarter than me.  All I care about is giving him a sense of comfort. 

Paysen has suffered much with his brother being ill.  Sometimes I am sure that it is harder on him than anyone else in our family.  He is been shuffled between family members, left behind as the rest of his family headed south. He has witnessed a sense of torture upon his brother......pokes, tests, tubes, surgeries and ICU visits.  He was only two when his brother first was sick, hard stuff for a two year old to grasp......

I know there were times when Paysen felt left out and probably not very important.  Its a hard thing to explain to him but as he grows he becomes more aware and more compassionate towards his little brother. 

So I will enjoy this last sick day, I will baby my big boy until the sun goes down.  I will let him think that he has me fooled.  And tomorrow, well we will see what tomorrow brings. . . .

Paysens very first day of pre-school!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

One of the most important things I have learned is that LOVE is not a feeling. It is mistaken for a feeling all the time. . . .people divorce because they don’t “love” each other anymore, have affairs because they have fallen in “love” with someone else, say “I love you” to their spouse without showing them that they do. God says to “Love your neighbor as yourself” I am sure that we all know people that we see as completely unlovable. . .meaning we don’t like them, they are different from us in such a way we cant relate. . .I have learned that Love is not a feeling at all, LOVE is an action.
When you love your spouse, you show them everyday. You do things, you ACT. You take action in a way that they know. . . . .To love your neighbor as yourself is to take action, going out of your way to help someone in need, treating all people you meet with a sense of respect, remembering that you don’t know what their story is, but you can LOVE them.

I hope to teach my kids to LOVE people.  In our house, the word HATE is considered a bad word, I love to think of the world through the eyes of my boys.  They are so sweet and kind (when they arent punching each other, wrestling, etc) They are simple, they speak the truth (even when its the last thing that you want to hear.) They want to grow up to be like their dad, Paysen cant wait till he can go to college WITH his dad (I dont know how I will feel if Devan is still in college in 14 years)

Today Paysen said, "I keep wishing that Parky would just grow up, I just keep on wishing but he just wont."  What he means by this, I am sure, is he wishes they were the same size so that Parky could keep up with him. . . .Isnt it crazy how we say things like " I can't wait till the boys are bigger" or when were young, " I cant wait till Im older"  Life goes so quickly, to just enjoy the moment were in. . . . thats ideal.

We went see a family friend of Devan’s in the hospital yesterday. He is dying of Cancer. One day he is going along, just fine, and then. . . . He begins to get headaches, he drives himself to the hospital and he has a brain tumor. Life is so fragile. . .it can change in a blink of an eye. Usually, you just go through each day, living as you please, never giving a thought to your end.

I thank God for the health he has given me for the time being, and for the joy of my family. And I pray for those who are hurting.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The way he loves me

I have been extremely spoiled lately by my husband. . .I am talking extremely.  I am not going to lie, its been awesome. . . I cant put my finger on the exact time of the beginning of this extreme. . . .but whats it matter?

For Christmas Devan always gives me my gifts about the beginning of December because he just cant wait. . .This year I decided I wasn't having it.  One day (about two weeks early) Devan came storming in the house with a giant plastic bag. . ."Okay sit down I have your present" "I don't want it" "You HAVE to open it and if you don't you will be really mad at yourself. . .trust me"  "fine"  Well I closed my eyes and when I opened them there was the camera I have been wanting for more than 5 years now. . . not just the camera, an extra lens, bag, accessories. . .WOW. I started  screaming so loud, "WHAT DID YOU DO?" the boys were like, "mom are you okay? Whats wrong?"  nice spoil. . .

There is few moments when I don't feel like the MOST important girl in the world. I casually mentioned that I wished we had dead locks on our doors, few days later there was.  Might have said a little something about wishing our hot water lasted longer. . .soon enough, a new water heater.  I am not sure if I proclaimed the need for a new dishwasher (I am sure, I did, many times! ) but I am now washing dishes in a new one. 

Devan is so busy with school and work and homework and being a dad that I sort of expect to be the one left out. . . yet, he stays up late to sit and listen to me talk about things that, lets face it, he doesn't care about.  He laughs at my jokes, he thinks I'm funny (or at least he pretends too) He doesn't mind my ridiculous dance breaks. . . .I would estimate the times he tells me that I look good, or pretty or that I am beautiful each day. . .but honestly there are days when I can't count. 

If you know Devan, you know that he has an incredible sense of style. . . .I am not disabled fashion wise, I just sometimes don't care.. . . I will buy something cheap over something I really want any day.  Devan does this funny thing. . .Lets say I buy myself a hat, I am proud of this hat (especially the stellar price I snagged it at) I begin to wear this hat every day when I go out. . .Devan doesn't like the hat, he wont say "hey I don't like that hat" because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings.  A couple weeks after my purchase, a package comes in the mail. . . Devan has bought me a new hat. Honestly, its the best hat ever, and I love it. I would never buy this hat for myself.  So I try it on and Devan says, "wow, that looks great, you look good, you should start wearing THAT hat."  Funny.

We haven't been together for an eternity, but I will say that we have faced some difficult times together.  I have known people who divorced over one of the many problems we have overcome.  Its been almost 6 years of marriage and 7 together and I can honestly say, he is my best friend.  If it came down to a choice of being whisked away on a girls vacation or just sitting around with my Devan, I would choose him every time. 

Its the relationships that we have in life that help to make us who we are. I am thankful for the way that Devan loves me, for never having to wonder how he feels about us, to know that he loves God as much as me and that he loves me as much as I love him.  I love the way he loves me.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Well, as it seems. . .you can accomplish a lot when you CAN’T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE!!! Paysen is still recovering from his tonsillectomy last week. . .and by recovering I mean. . .barely eating or drinking. .crying a lot and slobbering everywhere. Its not like I am not used to taking care of a sick child. I’ve done that. But the child that is usually sick is much different than the current. Parklen has gotten some- what used to being sick (When he is) He knows what to expect, takes medicine with ease, and I just know how to comfort him,

Paysen is no good at being sick. He has barely experienced feeling ill in his short life. I can recall, maybe 3 ear infections, and strep throat twice. For a four year old that’s pretty good. Truth is he is breaking my heart. He wont take medicine with out a fight, doesn’t understand that the more you cry the more you hurt. And the worst part is when he feels good for a few minutes, he jumps up to play. . .plays so hard for that short time and then feels worse than before.

Nurse at the surgical center said “Make sure that he doesn’t play hard for the next two weeks at least.” Ummm lady, you OBVIOUSLY don’t have a boy at home. You cant keep them down, try as you may.

Paysen cant go out for the rest of the week so we are home. Being a stay at home mom, for me does not really mean staying at home. It seems I am always running around, paying bills, going to the store, running to pre-school, hurrying to Parklen’s therapy, doctors appointments and so on. By the time we get home most days, I can barely get the dishes done before I have to start dinner. I am not complaining about my life, just the fact that there are about a billion little projects that have been sitting for years that I just cant seem to find the time (or motivation) to complete.

This week is my project week. . . .already, since Monday, I have rearranged both boys’ rooms, organized their closets (this includes getting rid of tons of toys, and finding very interesting treasures they have stowed away) vacuumed under the couches, dusted the never dusted, played some games with the boys, organized their arts and crafts. . . . . Tomorrow I begin a project I have put off for far too long (about two and a half years to be exact) I will start Parklen’s scrap book, I have all of the stuff ready to go and I have for the past 2 years, I just have to get it in the book. There is a lot to document on that kids life.

I keep trying to understand what Paysen is saying to me each time he talks. . .I gotta say, it’s a little tough. Earlier “oo oooo eeee iiiii ooooote?” After a few minutes of saying “What?” “Honey I cannot understand you?” I figured out he was saying, “Do you think I'm cute?” Such a question from my slobbery, sick boy. And of course I do. . . .
We will most likely resume our busy life next week, but for now I am enjoying being a STAY AT HOME mom. . . . .

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Have you simply ever wondered?

Wondered what tomorrow brings?
Wondered how you got to today?
Wondered how, in spite of the stupid mistakes you have made, you are blessed beyond belief?
Wondered, about the small moments you have missed by worrying?

I am finding myself pondering the questions of life.  Little things are happening around me, all the time.  My children are growing, they are learning and they are laughing. My marriage is growing as well, I am married to my best friend, I am free to be who I am and loved anyway.   

When Parklen was at his worst, that is what defined our family.  When we looked down at our baby, in the ICU and didnt know if he would make it through, we were the parents of a sick baby, and Paysen the brother of one.  We related everything in our lives to Parklen's illness. Its a consuming disease that affects our everyday. . .but its not who we are.

When Devan began a new life journy at age 34 we let it define us.  What a brave and crazy thing to do, starting over in your 30's.  Being a full time student while supporting your family.  Staying up late to do homework after you have eaten with, wrestled and read to your boys. Barely making it home for dinner because you are working extra hour to make up for the time you are in class. . .its brave.  Its a consuming process that affects our everyday.. . . but its not who we are.

In two and a half simple years, our family has been through it.  We have experienced a birth, illness, countless surgeries, job loss, friend loss, relocation, college, preschool, birthdays and the list goes on. The fact is, none of these things define us.  There is one thing that has remained constant through each day. . .and its faith.  This is what defines us. . .our faith, faith in God, faith that no matter where our life turns God has a plan, faith that carries thoughout each moment reassuring us that God is bigger than any problem, illness or road block.  

It has been said that God is good all the time, I am here to say. . .its true.  As my life is passing by I know that God has control, I have learned that no matter how much I worry, I can't control everything. In reality I have very little control at all, my actions and the way I treat people. . .thats my business, the rest is up to him.  

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Holiday Break. . .

It has been a fun couple of months of celebrating!! There has been Thanksgiving, My Birthday, Christmas and New Years!! With all of the Excitement there has been I still have to say I am ready for a Break from Holidays!  I am happy that the tree is gone and happy that the new year has begun!  It seems as though our family eats up a year in a blink of an eye. . .2010 was a great year for us........Devan had a successful year of schooling, We moved into our new home, we discovered tball and soccer for Paysen and we finally got the diagnosis that we had been waiting for on Parklen.  I sum it up as a success.
  The boys are now at an age where they really appreciate the existence of one another, they are no longer just brothers, they are friends.  It is a joy to watch your children love each other!!
 Paysen on Christmas Eve! The festivities had just begun so I am really unsure why he looks so tired.

Parky on Christmas Eve. . .He was soooo hot he had to take off his shirt!

Parky lost a fight with a coffee table and ended up with quite a nice bump, bruise and black eye!
It was a hard hit and no matter what Parklen has been through it still hurts his mama when he gets hurt!

Been a great couple of weeks. . . .going to be a busy couple coming up. . .Paysen is getting his tonsils out on Thursday and he has never had anything drastic happen to his health. Should be another adventure!