Recently, I am having some of those times.
It seems to be thing after thing and happening after happening....
Last week was super tough.
And although I don't like to talk much about myself...here's what happened.
I had 2 days that I spent in the hospital with a kidney infection...
Turns out a kidney infection is a lingering nuisance when you're pregnant...
Wait a minute, let me back that up a second.....have I EVEN told you guys that I am pregnant? Its shared on my personal Facebook, but I don't think I have actually written about it.
Yup. Pregnant. Number 4. Almost to the third trimester.
That started my week.
Then I went home from the hospital and packed to take Parklen to his hospital.
The kids and I loaded up and headed to Denver.
I started having continuous pain in my belly over our first night there and it escalated the next morning. By the time the kids and I had made it to check into Parklen's appointments the pain was worse. I ended up having to leave my children (all THREE of them) with my friends who work at Parklen's clinic. I always talk about my friends who I see in Denver....they are real. Parklen's care team and the people that we have known for the last 9 years....they care deeply for us and us for them. They didn't even blink as they said, "Go take care of yourself, we've got this." I didn't even worry about whether or not they would be ok.
After being monitored and watched for 3 hours I was released with a diagnosis of false labor...caused by my kidney infection and get this.....stress... STRESS?!?! What?!?!
I cried a lot by this point that day, but the tears had just begun.
I was scared for my baby....scared for my family. Scared about being alone.
As I walked out of the hospital and walked back into Children's I was exhausted.
I made my way through the clinic and found my kiddos...well taken care of, fed, happy...
I enjoyed a few minutes with them before Parklen's doctor appeared.
"I think its time to try and send Parklen to school again."
Words that I knew were coming. But words that stopped my heart for just a moment.
|We HAD to treat ourselves to ice-cream after the day we had....|
I was reminded of the last time I had this conversation.
I wasn't ready then.
I wrote about not being ready Here
I cried about not being ready.
I had a feeling that it wasn't the right decision.
And you know what?!?!
I was right.
It was too soon...
His body wasn't ready.
and I knew it.
But away he went.
and he ended up sick again....
Now we start over.
When people see Parklen they often say, "He looks so good." and I want to scream.
I want to scream "HE LOOKS GOOD BECAUSE WE KEEP HIM SAFE."
He looks good because he isn't in school, around the boogers and the germs.
He looks good because I watch his every move.
He looks good because he is at home.
I don't feel good about sending him to school.
Even though its just for half days.
I don't feel good about "seeing how well he does."
Or "seeing how he handles sickness."
Sometimes we have to let things go.
Sometimes we have to let other people make decisions because our judgment is clouded with love.
I know that being at home every day is not ideal for my son.
I know that he needs to have more experiences.
Knowing does not make it easier.
My now bigger version of my tiny miracle.
My super hero.
Letting go is my least favorite thing.
Letting go of Parklen is my hardest challenge.
The fact that my tear ducts have nearly run dry can attest to that.
So with a recommendation by two doctors now, to take it easy and ease my stress.....for the sake of this unborn baby and my sanity....I have to wonder how?
How can I?
I don't know.
By prayer and submission....
By faith and belief.
By an understanding that, although I know that God's way is not always the easy one...that His answers are not always the ones I hope and pray for.... Parklen's story has already been written and the pages that are to come...the ones that I have yet to read are already there.
As I turn each one...
crisp and new in my hands...
day by day...
I can rest fully in the fact that God is there.
He is in every letter...every space...every inch of every page.
Because Parklen is not just my baby.
He is also HIS.
And as much as I love him...and wish to protect him,
God loves him even more.
Pray for us as we go through the next few weeks. As we find our new normal....again.
As Parklen is thrown back into a classroom...into public....into an uncontrolled environment.
Pray for protection,
Pray for Parklen.