Belong

Ive been replaying this past year in my mind.
Like a reel of an old movie, the pictures quickly passing by.
It's a mostly bad movie.
Critics would give it at least one thumb down.
Its certainly not going to win any awards...

I have been trying to figure out what, or why...the year was so hard....
and its come down to this...

Belonging.

I thought I did....or was trying so hard to...
but I don't.

I do not belong...
in a specific group,
in a specific place..
here, or there...
I just don't.

This realization has left a bitter taste in my mouth and an ache deep in my gut.
But its truth.

If you dissect that word belong... you can clearly see the word long...  Belonging...longing.
I want to...belong.
I crave that inclusion...
but reality is often different than our desires.

On a girls trip this fall there was a discussion about the first time I left my kids for a weekend away.. it was almost 2 years ago, and they were losing their minds. They cried in the front lawn, each of them... they put their hands out as we drove off and tears streamed down their cheeks....ages 11, 9, 4 and an infant.  They didn't want their mom to leave... and it showed.  Upon remembering that day during the conversation in that car, there were laughs and then words,
"it was so weird...it wasn't normal, Amanda."
Harmless words, right? Maybe they should've been....they were spoken by a women who I believe cares very deeply for me...they weren't intended to hurt me... but those words weird, and normal were like serrated knives..pushed deep into my heart. They did hurt, and I tried so hard to understand why...and it hit me, I am different.

My kids are different...our life....is different. Those words have marinated on my mind for the last few months....is different bad?
No.
Different is not bad...its just not the same.

We are different.
My kids have lived a hard hard life....every one of them...not just Parklen.
They have watched their mother drive away toward Denver too many times to count....and for Paysen and Phinlynn....they never knew how long I would be gone...when they would see their mother again.  They have dealt with the pain of being separated from me for days at a time...months for Paysen...
They have associated the fear of their brothers health with me driving away.
They have learned to hold their breath as I have driven out of town....

It's not weird.
and sure...it may not be normal....for the masses...
but being upset about their mom leaving...is normal for them. It couldn't be anything but...

This is just one instance.
There have been so many this year...
and honestly...it hurts.
It hurts to put a bandaid over a gaping wound that's over a decade in the making...
The blood seeps out...no matter how many times I replace the bandage...its not a wound that can be masked...or covered...or forgotten.

Living in Denver was hard....but being surrounded by parents that were struggling like me...felt easier. We were all fighting deep battles...not just what to make for dinner or what everyone will wear...

I have seen things.
Hard
Hard
Hard
things.

Over and over again.

and I cannot forget those things.

They were devastating.

They changed how I see things...
They changed how I parent...
they changed how I look at pain...
how I look at tears.
They changed my perspective..
They changed my priorities..
and they changed me...

The lens of my past does not allow me to see things like the people around me see them...
and although I have tried so hard over the last few years...I can't anymore.
Trying to fit in...is what has stolen my joy.

I
Am
Different...

and being different has shown that maybe..I just don't belong..
and that's OK too.

There are friends in my life that I love very much...
and I know they love me...
but I think I have worked very hard to be someone they could love...
I have been afraid at times to be, or say, or do...what is me...

I have gotten lax on my protection of Parklen's health...allowing the constant banter of how overprotective I am from those around me...occasionally win the fight...
I have laughed along as the jokes came....allowing more sickness and germs to cross the threshold of our home..

I have gotten lax on my relationship with Jesus....replacing His thoughts and time with him with other things...
I have let the feelings of wanting to be included...rule my life.
I have replaced my dependence on faith with the hope that I could be normal...
and I just cannot be...

The year 2019 was hard...for so many reasons...There has been hardships in my family, and marriage..financial struggles...a move, rebuilding....growing...layers of hurt and billions of tears...

I was thinking late last night about this past year....
It really has been a doozy.
Recovering from a surgery...physically and emotionally... losing relationships...changing relationships...loss of trust...miles of pain...
I was remembering difficult years Ive had in the past, some because of Parklen's medical struggles, some because of financial struggles or marriage issues...

Ive had years with little sleep and daily stress...
I have had years with fear and helplessness...
This year had all of those...combined.

It was not my favorite year...
It was hard...
Lets be real...
I hated 2019.
There I said it.

The guilt that comes from hating an entire year is heavy...
I mean...there were plenty of small beautiful moments woven into the hurt...
moments that helped me get through.  So maybe it was more like an 80/20 situation....
well, 90/10

It was said to me a few weeks ago...
"The trauma you have seen, and make no mistake...it was trauma...it has changed you to your core....you cannot undo that..."
A million days on earth would never be enough to erase the days I spent fighting with Parklen....A million years wouldn't either....Because each second you watch your baby struggle the way I watched Parklen....is permanent in your mind. It cannot be erased....ever. It rewrites everything... Those moments...are written in black sharpie...permanent in my brain, on my heart...

I am different.
We are different.

I know that its been six years since Parklen's transplant...and maybe its old news....
but to me, it feels like yesterday...
The nightmares that wake me, that steal my breath...
the sweat soaked sheets...
the panic attacks and the tears...
They are the same today as they were then.
No better...
No different.

Its no ones fault but my own....trying to pretend... working so hard to move forward...putting on the bandaid... I did that.  and I'm ripping that sucker off....
I'm not going to try to pretend anymore.
Pretend that I understand everyone else...
pretend that things that hurt me are weird...
pretend that things that hurt my babies are weird...
Pretend that I'm normal...

Thank God for clarity and grace...
Thank God for His love...that is enough....
Thank God for reminding me that only He can fill my voids...
and Thank God for 2020....The year of not belonging