26 days.............

Twenty six days ago I loaded the Honda up with enough stuff for a one day trip to Denver.......

Four Wednesdays, Four weekend visits with our other half....624 hours.....Twenty six days....and Parklen, Phinlynn and I are still here.

Parklen's illness has seemed to steadily increase...as time has gone on, each flare up has outdone the last.  This was the worst one yet.  This one made him sicker than he has been,  this one caused concern in everyone that knows Parklen.  This stay in the hospital included a tiny infant to nurse and care for.....this stay included frequent discussion about Parklen's future....and a three ring binder handed to every parent about to take their child into a bone marrow transplant. A binder filled with facts......a binder that will make your mommy tummy churn......

I have spent much time thumbing through the pages of this BMT book.....reading over risks, skimming through rules.....every moment realizing that if I EVER thought my life was hard up until this point....the coming months would make the past look easy.  I have tried to convince myself that Paysen is going to be fine, that he will continue to be a wonderful and amazing boy.....even without seeing his mother every day.  That my marriage will survive.......that Phinlynn will never know the difference between a life at home and one spent split between the hospital and an apartment. 

I must admit, I know we are heading where we must.....I know that Parklen needs this transplant.....but I am scared to death.  I don't doubt my faith or question God......but, as a mother, I am so afraid.  I am afraid of how fragile life is, I am afraid of the unknown.......I am afraid for my baby 

Ive also been thinking about the after.....the day when Parklen isn't sick.  Thinking about nights full of sleep, days filled with playing and laughter instead of medicines and treatments......thinking about making decisions based upon other things then how Parky feels.  Going to the store or church without worrying it will lead to the hospital.  These thoughts give me hope. 

There is a chance we may head home this week.....if Parklen is able to keep up on his feeds!  We will spend a couple weeks there before returning to another surgery.  I cannot wait to plop into my own bed.....have some REAL food.....spend some time without beeping monitors and constant intruders. 

Things aren't going to be the same as they were when we left.....we have a huge list of rules.  We have to protect Parklen.  We have to try our hardest to keep him in shape for the upcoming surgery and his future transplant.  Its not going to be easy.....the list of rules is quite extensive....but for the sake of our boy we will do what we must!