Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Triangle......

I find myself treading water in the middle of my mother shape......my shape is a triangle. It has three sides.

On one side sits Parklen, Parklen and his illness.....  His needs, he needs me for his care, for his comfort, for his everything.  I am constantly tending to his changing needs.  Constantly trying to anticipate whats next and stay a step ahead. 

Always trying to protect him from picking up more sickness.  Having to keep him home from the things he wants to do because he isn't well.  Because other kids have germs that could bring him down.

 The past two weeks he has been very ill.  I find myself staying up at night, running to his aide.....controlling his fever, remembering his meds round the clock, holding his hand as he looks me in the eyes and says, "Mama, I hurt inside."  His side is very heavy......

On another side I find Paysen.  My healthy, beautiful boy.  His needs are so different.  He doesn't need me because he is sick, he needs me because he is not.  I am swimming in his pool of self doubt.  He struggles to find his importance in a family that is so focused on his brother's illness.  He is trying to get our attention at every turn.....not being able to understand his home situation.  He has fears about his brother, fears of losing him.....fears that he will never be well. 

He cried like crazy when Parklen had to miss his school carnival.....he wanted him to go, said it wasn't fair.....and its not.  Its looking like Parklen and I may miss out on Trick or Treating....He has to go to Denver......Paysen is crushed.  He cried last night as he begged me not to go.

I have this guilt, that cannot be taken away.  I miss out on far too much with my Paysen. I miss out on his things while I am taking care of his brother.  There is no way to down play this.  No matter how many loving friends and family are there for him, the fact still stands......I am not. I should be there for him in every way, I SHOULD be.  I shouldn't have to choose.......but I do.

The final side of my triangle.......our beautiful unborn child.  The occupant living inside of me.  As I live in a pile of stress.....I have to focus on ATTEMPTING to keep my cool.  Not allowing my circumstances to affect the health of the baby.  Trying to live moment by moment and not think about what is to come......how life will be.  Worrying enough about myself to stay healthy.  And its hard.

We all have shapes....things that pull us in different directions.  Multiple kids with multiple personalities......I know I am not unique in this.  I just ask you, please.....hug your children,  Praise God if they are healthy......thank him every. single. day. if you do not have an illness in your family.  Count your blessings...... 

Thursday, October 25, 2012

THAT kid.....





Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be the kid that barfs at school?  Ya know.....the kid who, in front of the entire class, loses the contents of their stomach.......  Well, after today, Paysen could let ya know what that's like.  He accomplished being the "barf kid" by puking not once BUT twice on the floor of his kindergarten class. 

It has been a week for the Henderson's.....  Parklen picked up an infection and a collection of fluid in his lungs...We had a mishap at the hospital, lots of sleeplessness, and lots of being sick.  God has given Mama a break from her own sickness in order to take care of her babies....which is a huge blessing.

The events leading up to Paysens little mishap at school today are a story all themselves....but for another day.  His white little face peering up at me from the nurses bed was something that I am not used to seeing....the kid just doesn't get sick.  I guess there is a family balance in that fact.  Give him a couple hours on the couch and he got his color and energy back. 

We still dont know where Parklen's lungs will lead us but for now, he is ok.

So, at the end of this day, I am thankful for the past three days without vomiting....thankful for the baby bump that has popped in those three days, thankful for short lived sick days with Paysen, thankful for a husband I can lean on and count on for my need for strawberry Gatorade.....and thankful for the lemon cake resting peacefully in my belly.....

Friday, October 19, 2012

The Dump

So Its been a long long time since I have been here......
There has been so many complex layers of stuff going on it has been just crazy.....
and so now, here I am......to let it all out and dump it on this page.

Where do I even begin........
How about we start with the MOST of the giant elephants in this room......

So, we are having a baby, Yes, I have spilled that news.
We are having our THIRD baby.....
Yep, this is the third go 'round for me and pregnancy.
However, this is the first time, IN MY LIFE, I have felt this sick.
I have lost tons and tons of weight,
my motivation,
pretty much.....my norm.

I have been getting up, taking the boys to school and going back to bed.....remaining in my pajamas...(if you know me well, you know how big of a deal this is.)
Been sporting the no make up look, most every day.

Please let me just come to my own defense for a second....I am not a wuss.....I have babies drug free, I can handle pain, I can handle stress.....but I have not been able to handle this sickness.....

Yesterday and today I have felt human....I'm hoping that is a remaining trend...



Parklen and I returned from a Denver trip today, spent the day yesterday in the hospital at a check up.
More news that is the same.....as every. other. time.
His lungs are not doing good.....and getting worse.
The rest of his body, seems to be responding to treatment.....just not his lungs.
And so, like every other time, we wait.
We wait to hear a new plan,
We wait to see if that plan will work.....
And if there is something that we are used to doing......
It is waiting.....


Another huge issue, is Maryland.
Nothing is going as it should be in preparation for the trip.
The research hospital lost all of its information on Parklen a few months ago, which shoved us back to the beginning of the process.......
After that we were informed that the Dr. that would be seeing Parklen had no knowledge of his existence.....even though he had been speaking to his doctors over a period of time.
That hurdle was followed up by a huge blood test mishap, resulting in a "re-do" of his huge blood tests. 
Yesterday, I was informed that it takes at least two months to receive the results from those tests.......
and so we wait......
I am no longer convinced that this hospital is the right place for Parklen.....but it is out of my hands.  I will pray and let God lead the way.

The last thing weighing on my mind, this precious blessing I carry along.
There is so much unknown......so much.
I am so afraid,
Afraid that I wont measure up.....
afraid that I wont be able to handle this new mother task.

When the doctor looked at me yesterday and said, "When the baby is six months old, we will have to do the tests."  I couldn't hold in the tears.  The very thought of carrying another baby, the same age as Parklen was, into the doors of that hospital is too much.  Too much........and so, there I  sat, in the exam room with my brave four year old....and he watched his mama cry. 

I had no choice today.....I had to do what any girl would do....I chopped off my hair.  and just like that......I felt a little bit lighter.......

So now I have dumped my woes and worries.....well most of them anyway......and it feels a little bit better.  Thanks for always reading, and always supporting.