Sunday, September 29, 2013

one more week....

Paysen turned seven one week ago.  I cant believe it.  How do I have a seven year old?!?!?  Aren't I only 23 still?!?!?!?!?!?! 

It was a hard day for him.  We had just gotten settled into our apartment the night before.....things were new and strange feeling.  We tried our best to make him feel special but at the end of the day he felt very sad. 

He was sad because his dad had to drive back to Casper, sad that he didn't get to see any of his friends....sad because he didn't get to do much of anything.  Because he is the donor he must remain secluded just like Parky.  Sad reality for a seven year old.....

The next couple of days worked to lift his spirits.  He was thrown a belated birthday bash by the apartment staff.....given gifts and a cake and a lot of singing. 



The next day he was able to take his first guitar lesson....after which the staff bought him his own rockin electric guitar and amp.......

He is feeling a bit better today......

He is very excited to be able to help Parklen....has been telling everyone about it.  His tune may change a little as the time approaches......but hopefully not.  He rocked the blood draw last week, only one more stands in the way of him and transplant day.


At Paysen's appointment, he was asked if he was willing to donate his bone marrow to his brother. He eagerly said YES and they asked him to sign the paper work saying he wanted to do so.  It made me cry.  I have tossed this issue around in my head since his results came back as a perfect match months ago..... It seems like an impossible decision....one that I hoped I would never have to make. But when you step back and look at the options.....when you weigh the statistics of related donors.....when it is clear how much better Parklen will do with his brothers bone marrow than that of a stranger.....when you see the light in Paysen's face at the opportunity to help his brother....the decision melts away and you know that there is but one option.  This is not a Hollywood issue....this is a Henderson one.  I have heard outside opinions on the matter....negative ones....I choose to chalk it up to a lack of understanding....a lack of knowledge....  Paysen will have very minimal pain and trouble..... and even after explaining in full detail the process, he is still excited, nervous? sure but excited none the less.  If you think its wrong..than Im sorry you feel that way...but I wont apoligise for this decision and I pray you never have to face a decision like this one.   




Our first week of work up has been heavily stressful.  Parklen is at the end of his rope, you can just see in his eyes that he is over it all.  He has been throwing astronomical fits.....kicking, punching, yelling.....crazy.  So these days have been taxing on his family and medical staff alike. 

Thursday he had a surgery to place a secondary port for chemo and other access needs.  He knows what is to come.....well as much as he can understand.  I have not kept anything from him.  I have told him that he will get much more sick from the chemo before he can get better..... and my prayer is that he is able to breeze through........It is hard to believe that if we stay the course, and nothing unexpected arises, he will begin Chemo in one week.

We are missing that guy we call daddy......cannot wait for his arrival this coming weekend, although he just left earlier today.  It is a quick couple of days when he comes.....not near long enough.  We try and fill the days with playing and laughter and we all get very sad when it is time to say goodbye.....
Paysen is learning how to play pool.....he is quite the shark for a seven year old.

 Devan is going to kill me for this picture but you know what?? That's what he gets for trying to ruin all of my pictures with weird expressions....and truthfully, this is what I love about him anyway.....
 I know that my facebook friends know, but have I mentioned that we all chopped our hair for Parky???  We have been trying to soak up the last bit of sunshine....playing outside the apartment building....enjoying the small moments of happy that Parklen experiences.....they are few and far between and we tend to jump at the chance to play when he is feeling up to it.



 We began our day today with a Corvette Toy Run outside our front door.....The boys met Lightening McQueen and had the oppurtunity to sit in and look at a bunch of awesome cars!!!  This place really is a blessing........



I am feeling blessed for such a great place to stay during this time......

We have one week left of testing.....one week.  If all goes well he will be admitted and begin the journey.....

I am scared. 

Its the reason I haven't written more this week......

I am afraid.  I am terrified.

I am trusting that God has got this.....at the same time, I am only human......and I am a mother.

The mother of a little boy about to begin a fight for his life.......
The mother of another boy about to give part of himself......
The mother of a baby girl that is growing up in the hospital......

A mother.....
scared of whats to come.....sad for her family.

I was blessed today with a basket of treats from some friends I have made down here, it was filled with things......for me.  It felt good to dig through the treasures..  It always feels nice to be thought of.....and I swear that the 8 chocolate chip cookies that I ate tonight made me feel a little better.

Here's to letting go of what I cannot control.....of letting God take the wheel and trusting that He knows the way to go.......

Friday, September 20, 2013

When its time.......






It is relatively easy to talk about moving to a new state. 
It is pretty simple to talk about trying a life saving procedure for your son.
It isn't too difficult to pack for yourself and three children........
Until it's time.....

Time to go.
Time to move.
Time to start this new journey,
Time to load up the Honda.
Time to head south.

Today is Friday....
The tests start on Monday.
We leave in the morning......
Move to a new apartment.....
Move towards a new life......
The testing will run for this coming week and a few days of the next.....
Then the chemo.......
and after that, day zero......the transplant.

I have been doing interviews for the local news, we have been interviewed by a newspaper....I even did an online interview for yahoo......and all of that was pretty easy.  I kept on waiting, waiting for the avalanche of emotions....but I held it together.

I kept asking myself... "When are you going to lose it?"  The answer has made itself clear...."When its time"

Its time today....
Its time to cry......
It is time to cry some more....
It is time to let Devan hold me as I weep.....
It is time to let the heaviness of this entire situation sink into my bones......
It is time to let go of all I have known as a mother and move forward toward the unknown....
It is time to start something new.....

I cannot begin to explain the emotions I am experiencing.
There are far too many to grasp.
One thing I know for sure........
God will have to carry me the rest of the way. 

As I have been loading boxes into the car and trying so hard to remember everything, I cannot help but wonder how my family has gotten to this cross roads.......You never think about things like this.  You never imagine that you will have to allow doctors to make your son more sick so that he may get better.....You never entertain the thoughts of these types of situations.  But here we are.  This is real.  This is hard.....

It was unclear to us when to make it public and when to share the news with Paysen.......He is a perfect match with Parklen.....perfect.  There is no better donor for Parklen.......that is not an accident.
We shared with Paysen last night because it was time, we were a little afraid of what his reaction might be.  He was very excited......happy to be able to help his brother.  Parklen was excited that he would get some of his brother inside of him........Great kids we have.  They will have a bond like no other.....and that is special.

So although today I may weep......tomorrow I will leave.  I will praise God as we begin this journey.  I will thank Him for allowing me to be a part of these children's lives.....I will trust Him with things unimaginable. 

Devan and I will part ways as we travel through the coming months.....but together we will be.. as we hold each other in our hearts......  Life is so quick, so fragile and so precious....to cherish every moment....even the difficult ones, is the only option. 

Be thankful for what you have....what your given.....afterall....it is time.