Thursday, March 23, 2017


Around November 12th or so of 2008 God began to weave into my life a very important collection of words.

There are many words on the list.
All important.
All thick with meaning...
All lessons.

But there is one word that seems to be repeated time and time again...
through out the list it appears...more than once...many times.
The word....


I was given the gift of perspective.
Not that I was asking for it or anything.
It certainly wasn't mentioned in my daily prayers or over coffee with a friend...
I wasn't looking for it.

As the gift was handed to me, my arms gave way under its weight.
It is heavy.
Its outer shell isn't soft or smooth..
more like the thick and scaly skin of a snake...or maybe a porcupine.....

whether I liked it or not,
The gift was given to me.

It took days to open its first layer...
a crash landing into a pediatric hospital for the first time...
weeks in a medically induced coma for my baby.
Breathing machines and emergency surgeries...
and I began to see it.

What was,
and what was not...

Over the months and years the layers continued to peel away...
Each experience shedding light on another part of the word.

I remember the first time I heard the cries of a mother losing her baby.
I hear them still.
They echo in my mind...
they dance around with memories of faces of parents who had just kissed their babies for the last time.
I see them.
I hear them.

I feel the hug of the dad who lost his son and cried out to me, "He was such a good boy."
I feel it.


Its understanding that these things are happening.

It's knowing that whatever your every day problems may be...
there is someone that is praying for what you've got.

It's teaching your children that tomorrow may never come,
so don't ever waste today.
That time spent together is the best gift...

Perspective is shown most bright for me,
when I look at Parklen.
When I see an eight year old boy pray for a little girl.
When he prays so much that his eyes fill with tears...
When my eight year old son comes to comfort me....
When he knows more about death and more about life than most people three times his age.

Perspective is when Parklen sees that death is not the end.
When his words hit me like a smack in the face, "Don't be sad for her, she is with Jesus and that is where we all want to sad for her family who will miss her forever."

Over the past few weeks I have been able to watch my son show Christ's love to another. I have watched him with such pride and love. Watched as he put aside his childhood and stepped into the shoes of comforter.....of friend.
He lives a rather lonely life.
Stuck at home.
No school,
No activities...
Not many friends...
But my God, he knows how to be a friend.

and he shows me perspective.

There are not enough words in the world to describe the way we feel tonight.

When I told Parklen that his friend had passed away, he said..."My heart is broken into a million pieces."

I've never kept death from my children. I haven't ever had a choice in the matter....because our lives have run beside its river banks for 8 years. They have seen it first hand. They have known so many children who have been lost to illness. Parklen more than the rest of them. We have spent days praying for children together... He has spent a lot of time telling me about the comfort he felt from heaven when he was so incredibly sick. That somehow, God always was there with him and he knew it. We have talked through many difficult nights...and our conversations always lead to this, With Christ...death is not the end.

The years that I have lived have taught me much,
don't waste a breath...
really, just don't.

Don't take time or people for granted...
LOVE each other....
all. the, time,
No matter what.

Ive learned that good people get sick,
That amazing people lose their children....
That in the world of childhood illness....anyone is fair game.

Be thankful.
For it all.
The good and the bad,
the difficult and the easy.
They all work together to form the person you are meant to be.

Heartache sucks.
No way around that.
But God is so so big...

Im thankful for the fits that are thrown,
the messes that are made.
I am thankful for the lives that have been woven together with mine.
Im thankful the maturity of my children.
I am thankful that Parklen is here with me.

I am thankful for a little girl,
that I believe was never human but an angel to begin with.
I am thankful for the moments spent with her.
In her very presence was a peace that cannot be explained.
For her family.
I am thankful that God saw fit to bring us together.
I am thankful that Parklen had her as a friend.

I am thankful that she is with Jesus...
and remembering that with Him, is where we all want to be.


Thursday, March 16, 2017


Bitterness takes over,
when you feel that life's unfair.
When your baby is sick,
or your bills aren't paid,
maybe the grey is taking over your hair.

One thing after another...
it always seems to be.
rarely answers...
Puzzles that are often missing a piece.

Bitterness leaves a taste in your mouth,
that can not be easily replaced..
it can make the best things taste sour,
the good taste bad...
and the perfect things go to waste...

It is so easy for me to find myself here...
wading through the murky and muddy waters...
Where I stand, bitter and angry...
and alone...

It takes a desperate plea in the form of a prayer...
A good shake all the way down to my core.
A friend,
a memory...
and sometimes...
maybe just a little more.

It helps when I remember
all the places I have been,
The highs,
the lows...
and everything between.

8 years can seem like a lifetime..
and also as a fleeting moment.

When you look forward to tomorrow...
When you strain your eyes toward yesterday,
you miss what's meant for you to see.

When you focus on the wrong...
there is no room for the right.

When you try to steer your own life,
you're telling God He can't...

Surrender is the hardest part...
Knowing to let go.
Remembering what all the hurt has taught you..
you already know...

Where you've been,
has brought you to...
Where your meant to be.

And where you are,
 will lead you to,
 God's promise of victory.

One day there will be no sickness,
no blood draws,
no pain,
no worries.

No waiting on test results..
wondering what tomorrow brings

When that day comes,
whether here or there..
When the waves of life drift out to sea...
I will dance with praise
and sing His glory..

In the mean time...
I pray for release from bitterness..
For the gift of focus..
I pray to enjoy each moment as it comes.
To be thankful for it all...
the good..and the bad.

Its in those moments of thankfulness that I find my greatest blessings.