Friday, October 19, 2012

The Dump

So Its been a long long time since I have been here......
There has been so many complex layers of stuff going on it has been just crazy.....
and so now, here I am......to let it all out and dump it on this page.

Where do I even begin........
How about we start with the MOST of the giant elephants in this room......

So, we are having a baby, Yes, I have spilled that news.
We are having our THIRD baby.....
Yep, this is the third go 'round for me and pregnancy.
However, this is the first time, IN MY LIFE, I have felt this sick.
I have lost tons and tons of weight,
my motivation,
pretty much.....my norm.

I have been getting up, taking the boys to school and going back to bed.....remaining in my pajamas...(if you know me well, you know how big of a deal this is.)
Been sporting the no make up look, most every day.

Please let me just come to my own defense for a second....I am not a wuss.....I have babies drug free, I can handle pain, I can handle stress.....but I have not been able to handle this sickness.....

Yesterday and today I have felt human....I'm hoping that is a remaining trend...



Parklen and I returned from a Denver trip today, spent the day yesterday in the hospital at a check up.
More news that is the same.....as every. other. time.
His lungs are not doing good.....and getting worse.
The rest of his body, seems to be responding to treatment.....just not his lungs.
And so, like every other time, we wait.
We wait to hear a new plan,
We wait to see if that plan will work.....
And if there is something that we are used to doing......
It is waiting.....


Another huge issue, is Maryland.
Nothing is going as it should be in preparation for the trip.
The research hospital lost all of its information on Parklen a few months ago, which shoved us back to the beginning of the process.......
After that we were informed that the Dr. that would be seeing Parklen had no knowledge of his existence.....even though he had been speaking to his doctors over a period of time.
That hurdle was followed up by a huge blood test mishap, resulting in a "re-do" of his huge blood tests. 
Yesterday, I was informed that it takes at least two months to receive the results from those tests.......
and so we wait......
I am no longer convinced that this hospital is the right place for Parklen.....but it is out of my hands.  I will pray and let God lead the way.

The last thing weighing on my mind, this precious blessing I carry along.
There is so much unknown......so much.
I am so afraid,
Afraid that I wont measure up.....
afraid that I wont be able to handle this new mother task.

When the doctor looked at me yesterday and said, "When the baby is six months old, we will have to do the tests."  I couldn't hold in the tears.  The very thought of carrying another baby, the same age as Parklen was, into the doors of that hospital is too much.  Too much........and so, there I  sat, in the exam room with my brave four year old....and he watched his mama cry. 

I had no choice today.....I had to do what any girl would do....I chopped off my hair.  and just like that......I felt a little bit lighter.......

So now I have dumped my woes and worries.....well most of them anyway......and it feels a little bit better.  Thanks for always reading, and always supporting.

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