Tuesday, October 30, 2012


I find myself treading water in the middle of my mother shape......my shape is a triangle. It has three sides.

On one side sits Parklen, Parklen and his illness.....  His needs, he needs me for his care, for his comfort, for his everything.  I am constantly tending to his changing needs.  Constantly trying to anticipate whats next and stay a step ahead. 

Always trying to protect him from picking up more sickness.  Having to keep him home from the things he wants to do because he isn't well.  Because other kids have germs that could bring him down.

 The past two weeks he has been very ill.  I find myself staying up at night, running to his aide.....controlling his fever, remembering his meds round the clock, holding his hand as he looks me in the eyes and says, "Mama, I hurt inside."  His side is very heavy......

On another side I find Paysen.  My healthy, beautiful boy.  His needs are so different.  He doesn't need me because he is sick, he needs me because he is not.  I am swimming in his pool of self doubt.  He struggles to find his importance in a family that is so focused on his brother's illness.  He is trying to get our attention at every turn.....not being able to understand his home situation.  He has fears about his brother, fears of losing him.....fears that he will never be well. 

He cried like crazy when Parklen had to miss his school carnival.....he wanted him to go, said it wasn't fair.....and its not.  Its looking like Parklen and I may miss out on Trick or Treating....He has to go to Denver......Paysen is crushed.  He cried last night as he begged me not to go.

I have this guilt, that cannot be taken away.  I miss out on far too much with my Paysen. I miss out on his things while I am taking care of his brother.  There is no way to down play this.  No matter how many loving friends and family are there for him, the fact still stands......I am not. I should be there for him in every way, I SHOULD be.  I shouldn't have to choose.......but I do.

The final side of my triangle.......our beautiful unborn child.  The occupant living inside of me.  As I live in a pile of stress.....I have to focus on ATTEMPTING to keep my cool.  Not allowing my circumstances to affect the health of the baby.  Trying to live moment by moment and not think about what is to come......how life will be.  Worrying enough about myself to stay healthy.  And its hard.

We all have shapes....things that pull us in different directions.  Multiple kids with multiple personalities......I know I am not unique in this.  I just ask you, please.....hug your children,  Praise God if they are healthy......thank him every. single. day. if you do not have an illness in your family.  Count your blessings...... 

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