Right now.
I have spent some time in reflection over the last few months, deep deep reflection....wading the waters of feelings and resting on the shore of faith....
Recent happenings in our world have really thrown me to the waves of uncertainty...the salty waters of anxiety and the crashing waters of fear.....
I am sure I am not alone in this. I imagine many mommas out there struggling.
Talking with a "hospital friend," the other day, although a short conversation...brought me much comfort. She said it best, this is PTSD.....this is just like what we've lived. The current demands on our country, feel a lot like taking care of a sick kiddo.....hearing the news talk about social distancing takes me swiftly back to Parklen's sickest days....
Days when we didn't allow visitors into our home, Parklen's kindergarten teacher wore a mask and gloves and scrubbed things down before she could sit with him for his schooling.....
We had a station where we all cleaned up right inside the front door....clothes stripped down from our kiddo in school and hands cleaned and stuff wiped off before stepping further into our home.
We didn't visit community events, grocery stores, playgrounds, the library or any place with a crowd....for years.
We rarely made plans because of the fear that someone would overlook a symptom and Parklen would become ill...
I lived in a state of constant vigilance....always watching....always preparing....rarely relaxing.
For. Years.
Social distancing kept Parklen alive....although sometimes...barely.
Over the last few years I have relaxed a bit in all of these areas, allowing more exposure...inviting people into our home....letting Parklen and the rest of us attempt a more normal existence.... but the fear of returning here has always been present in my mind.
So when I hear, this is all new territory....it isn't for me. Or for moms like me... Moms that have had babies with cancer, babies going through transplant....babies with immune problems.... we've lived this. It is so hard to live this way....and its even harder to rely on other people to help keep your loved ones safe.... to trust that the person next to you in the store isn't sick....that the man in front of you in the post office isn't carrying a virus...the lady pumping gas beside you isn't either....
I have had to really dig deep and remember the ways that I handled this life before....because the truth is....it has been very hard. I was struggling before this whole pandemic came about...
Struggling to stay afloat...
Struggling to feel content...
Struggling to remain calm.
and then this came about....
A catalyst.
A boost into further despair.
Which then, leads me to extreme guilt....
How can I feel this anxious fear, when I have faith in God?
How can my body feel like its going to quit, my heart feel like its literally breaking and my breathing feel hard to manage......When I believe that God is in control?
I can think myself deep into the depths of guilt...
It takes a deliberate self talk session to remind myself,
I am human,
I am vulnerable....
I am a full lover of Jesus....in spite of my shortcomings.
and He's still here...
loving me through my fears...
catching my tears...
hearing my prayers...
Many times each day I have to look into the mirror and say,
"Right now, you are ok."
"Right now, your family is ok."
"Right now, you can breathe....."
Many times a day I have to go to a quiet place and cry my eyes out....
because I cannot hold in the tears....
It hurts too bad.
I cry.
And then I thank Jesus for being with me there...in my despair...
I thank him for holding my tears and hearing my fears.
And then I stand up and do what I can do....
Our entire family is on high alert....because we all, in some way...remember. The memories force us to pay attention...to do more than asked to keep our precious Parklen safe....
And our memories also remind us that the only things that truly matter, are already inside of these walls. Our family.
Each other.
The love and faith that we share.
What an amazing opportunity we have right now in the world...to slow down.
To focus on those we love,
the learn more about each other.
To just be.
On a walk yesterday, I was watching the kids run before me....and it hit me, there are no restraints on this time right now. We are allowed to just be...and allow our time to be full, without worry about what's next.
We have a loose schedule posted for direction if the kids are feeling lost....we have animals that still depend on us to care for them....but beyond that, it really is just us....together.
This is the thought that helped me back to sleep when I awoke each time over night....
"Here we are....together...."
I am praying blessings on all of those I love. That you can find the flowers in the weeds and the sunshine through the clouds. That you can teach your kids much about how valuable they are...and together you can deepen your love....
What we have is what we have...and where we are is where we are.... If I don't let my mind go anywhere but there...I can keep my head up...it lightens the load.... because right now....I am ok...we are ok...right now.
Recent happenings in our world have really thrown me to the waves of uncertainty...the salty waters of anxiety and the crashing waters of fear.....
I am sure I am not alone in this. I imagine many mommas out there struggling.
Talking with a "hospital friend," the other day, although a short conversation...brought me much comfort. She said it best, this is PTSD.....this is just like what we've lived. The current demands on our country, feel a lot like taking care of a sick kiddo.....hearing the news talk about social distancing takes me swiftly back to Parklen's sickest days....
Days when we didn't allow visitors into our home, Parklen's kindergarten teacher wore a mask and gloves and scrubbed things down before she could sit with him for his schooling.....
We had a station where we all cleaned up right inside the front door....clothes stripped down from our kiddo in school and hands cleaned and stuff wiped off before stepping further into our home.
We didn't visit community events, grocery stores, playgrounds, the library or any place with a crowd....for years.
We rarely made plans because of the fear that someone would overlook a symptom and Parklen would become ill...
I lived in a state of constant vigilance....always watching....always preparing....rarely relaxing.
For. Years.
Social distancing kept Parklen alive....although sometimes...barely.
Over the last few years I have relaxed a bit in all of these areas, allowing more exposure...inviting people into our home....letting Parklen and the rest of us attempt a more normal existence.... but the fear of returning here has always been present in my mind.
So when I hear, this is all new territory....it isn't for me. Or for moms like me... Moms that have had babies with cancer, babies going through transplant....babies with immune problems.... we've lived this. It is so hard to live this way....and its even harder to rely on other people to help keep your loved ones safe.... to trust that the person next to you in the store isn't sick....that the man in front of you in the post office isn't carrying a virus...the lady pumping gas beside you isn't either....
I have had to really dig deep and remember the ways that I handled this life before....because the truth is....it has been very hard. I was struggling before this whole pandemic came about...
Struggling to stay afloat...
Struggling to feel content...
Struggling to remain calm.
and then this came about....
A catalyst.
A boost into further despair.
Which then, leads me to extreme guilt....
How can I feel this anxious fear, when I have faith in God?
How can my body feel like its going to quit, my heart feel like its literally breaking and my breathing feel hard to manage......When I believe that God is in control?
I can think myself deep into the depths of guilt...
It takes a deliberate self talk session to remind myself,
I am human,
I am vulnerable....
I am a full lover of Jesus....in spite of my shortcomings.
and He's still here...
loving me through my fears...
catching my tears...
hearing my prayers...
"Right now, you are ok."
"Right now, your family is ok."
"Right now, you can breathe....."
Many times a day I have to go to a quiet place and cry my eyes out....
because I cannot hold in the tears....
It hurts too bad.
I cry.
And then I thank Jesus for being with me there...in my despair...
I thank him for holding my tears and hearing my fears.
And then I stand up and do what I can do....
Our entire family is on high alert....because we all, in some way...remember. The memories force us to pay attention...to do more than asked to keep our precious Parklen safe....
And our memories also remind us that the only things that truly matter, are already inside of these walls. Our family.
Each other.
The love and faith that we share.
What an amazing opportunity we have right now in the world...to slow down.
To focus on those we love,
the learn more about each other.
To just be.
On a walk yesterday, I was watching the kids run before me....and it hit me, there are no restraints on this time right now. We are allowed to just be...and allow our time to be full, without worry about what's next.
We have a loose schedule posted for direction if the kids are feeling lost....we have animals that still depend on us to care for them....but beyond that, it really is just us....together.
This is the thought that helped me back to sleep when I awoke each time over night....
"Here we are....together...."
I am praying blessings on all of those I love. That you can find the flowers in the weeds and the sunshine through the clouds. That you can teach your kids much about how valuable they are...and together you can deepen your love....
What we have is what we have...and where we are is where we are.... If I don't let my mind go anywhere but there...I can keep my head up...it lightens the load.... because right now....I am ok...we are ok...right now.
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