Whats lost
We spend so much of our lives trying to find something...
Small things....
Our keys,
A missing shoe...
The right turn,
The remote control.....
Bigger Things...
Our purpose...
Our spouse...
Our faith...
All of these are things I have searched for....some, many times...
There are feelings that come with searching...
Excitement,
fear,
frustration....
Sometimes desperation....
And when we find the thing....we often find relief....a sense of peace..
Its hard when we lose something...am I right?!?!
We've all been there?
As mothers, especially....Because we aren't only in charge of the things we've lost...but a whole family worth of things fall into our responsibility....
When you have multiple kids you have multiple chances to look for things...
One kiddo can't find their shoe, its time to leave for school...there is running and screaming and searching and often tears..You juggle the search with trying to keep everyone else from losing something...getting the baby into his seat, the snacks into the backpack...the homework in the folder....and after looking under the couch for the 6th time...VICTORY...
But even though that shoe was found...the experience of that loss has set a tone for our day... We're beginning our moments outside the house flustered...frustrated...and often late.
Hardship and heartache have both followed me throughout adulthood...
Big things, small things...daily struggles...life changing events...but as hard as it all has been...Ive carried something with me that never faltered...
Joy.
Ive always had it.
In my back pocket per say....at my fingertips...in my hand...
As hard as things got...the joy was there.
Recently...I seem to have lost much of that one special thing that has gotten me through so many things.
Ive lost a great deal of joy.
Its hard to say when it happened exactly...I can't even comprehend it if I try.
Maybe it was the struggle of a colicky baby....
Maybe the move...
Maybe the big surgery I had last year...
Or the poor health leading up to that...
Maybe the financial worries...
Maybe its the pressure to do everything that Ive always been able to...
Maybe its the uncertainty that comes with following big dreams...
Maybe it was when things slowed down a bit with Parky and I wasn't under constant pressure to keep him alive...When you're under that constant stress...its life or death...you don't have time to dwell...you just do what you have to do...
Maybe its an influx of insecurity in myself...
All I know, is that lately I have found it harder and harder to find it...I keep looking under the couch...but only find crumbs.
The good thing about the joy I had is that it's rooted in faith.
So its not gone...I know it's still there.
I know that Jesus is right here beside me on the couch as I type these words..He's encouraging me to do so...
Because its a dark place to be...
When we are so obviously human...in our pain and our struggle...
Its dark here...
When we have faith and the pressure to always be OK is out there for the world to see.
When we are suppose to be the light...its hard to feel as though we've been dimmed a bit.
It feels like a failure to struggle so hard....
But it's real.
It's life.
The hardness of it...the rawness of it...the darkness and the ugliness of losing something so important... It's real...
My kids can tell I'm struggling...no matter how hard I try a keep my mask in place...My marriage is suffering because of my darkness...our family...we're all just running around trying to keep the morning going..the other things that have to happen in life...while mom is looking for that lost shoe.
Its so hard for me to type these words...
I believe so very deeply in the love of Christ.
I believe in His love for me...
I believe that my pain can be healed by the fact that He loves me...
and I also believe when the bible tells me that He holds every tear Ive cried...and that he never sleeps...
Jesus is with me in the middle of the night when my tears soak my pillow and my breath is hard to catch. Jesus is with me when I force a smile as I'm walking into a meeting or picking up the kids... He's right here..
He's holding my tears and braving the nights with me.
Please be encouraged...if you're hurting.
If you can't find your joy...
If you feel like a phony or a fake...
If you want to cry out...
Jesus is there.
Each day I pray...which had been so hard for me to do for a while...I pray and I watch as my prayers are answered...sometimes in small ways...
But every day I see another crumb under that couch...and I am sweeping together the pile...its growing...the joy is growing...and with a faith that hasn't wavered...I believe that my full joy will be restored. I believe that the truth that I know is carrying me back to where I need to be...
Because....
Jesus is here.
Small things....
Our keys,
A missing shoe...
The right turn,
The remote control.....
Bigger Things...
Our purpose...
Our spouse...
Our faith...
All of these are things I have searched for....some, many times...
There are feelings that come with searching...
Excitement,
fear,
frustration....
Sometimes desperation....
And when we find the thing....we often find relief....a sense of peace..
Its hard when we lose something...am I right?!?!
We've all been there?
As mothers, especially....Because we aren't only in charge of the things we've lost...but a whole family worth of things fall into our responsibility....
When you have multiple kids you have multiple chances to look for things...
One kiddo can't find their shoe, its time to leave for school...there is running and screaming and searching and often tears..You juggle the search with trying to keep everyone else from losing something...getting the baby into his seat, the snacks into the backpack...the homework in the folder....and after looking under the couch for the 6th time...VICTORY...
But even though that shoe was found...the experience of that loss has set a tone for our day... We're beginning our moments outside the house flustered...frustrated...and often late.
Hardship and heartache have both followed me throughout adulthood...
Big things, small things...daily struggles...life changing events...but as hard as it all has been...Ive carried something with me that never faltered...
Joy.
Ive always had it.
In my back pocket per say....at my fingertips...in my hand...
As hard as things got...the joy was there.
Recently...I seem to have lost much of that one special thing that has gotten me through so many things.
Ive lost a great deal of joy.
Its hard to say when it happened exactly...I can't even comprehend it if I try.
Maybe it was the struggle of a colicky baby....
Maybe the move...
Maybe the big surgery I had last year...
Or the poor health leading up to that...
Maybe the financial worries...
Maybe its the pressure to do everything that Ive always been able to...
Maybe its the uncertainty that comes with following big dreams...
Maybe it was when things slowed down a bit with Parky and I wasn't under constant pressure to keep him alive...When you're under that constant stress...its life or death...you don't have time to dwell...you just do what you have to do...
Maybe its an influx of insecurity in myself...
All I know, is that lately I have found it harder and harder to find it...I keep looking under the couch...but only find crumbs.
The good thing about the joy I had is that it's rooted in faith.
So its not gone...I know it's still there.
I know that Jesus is right here beside me on the couch as I type these words..He's encouraging me to do so...
Because its a dark place to be...
When we are so obviously human...in our pain and our struggle...
Its dark here...
When we have faith and the pressure to always be OK is out there for the world to see.
When we are suppose to be the light...its hard to feel as though we've been dimmed a bit.
It feels like a failure to struggle so hard....
But it's real.
It's life.
The hardness of it...the rawness of it...the darkness and the ugliness of losing something so important... It's real...
My kids can tell I'm struggling...no matter how hard I try a keep my mask in place...My marriage is suffering because of my darkness...our family...we're all just running around trying to keep the morning going..the other things that have to happen in life...while mom is looking for that lost shoe.
Its so hard for me to type these words...
I believe so very deeply in the love of Christ.
I believe in His love for me...
I believe that my pain can be healed by the fact that He loves me...
and I also believe when the bible tells me that He holds every tear Ive cried...and that he never sleeps...
Jesus is with me in the middle of the night when my tears soak my pillow and my breath is hard to catch. Jesus is with me when I force a smile as I'm walking into a meeting or picking up the kids... He's right here..
He's holding my tears and braving the nights with me.
Please be encouraged...if you're hurting.
If you can't find your joy...
If you feel like a phony or a fake...
If you want to cry out...
Jesus is there.
Each day I pray...which had been so hard for me to do for a while...I pray and I watch as my prayers are answered...sometimes in small ways...
But every day I see another crumb under that couch...and I am sweeping together the pile...its growing...the joy is growing...and with a faith that hasn't wavered...I believe that my full joy will be restored. I believe that the truth that I know is carrying me back to where I need to be...
Because....
Jesus is here.
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