Traditions

Traditions.....




I am one who holds tight to traditions.

Like white knuckle tight.

I love them

I love the certainty and the assurance that comes from the known.

In the world I have lived in for many years, often the unknown drives the car.

So any little bits of known that I can hold onto, I do.

Many years ago, when Paysen was about 3 or so..we started a tradition.

He was old enough to realize when I was leaving with Parklen to the hospital,

and old enough to know that neither of us knew how long we'd be apart.

I have visions of his face as I would pull out of town,

fear,

sadness,

tears.

So one morning, whilst loading my suitcase into the car I had an idea.

I took out a black sharpie and I drew a small heart on his wrist and then placed a copy on mine.

I held it up and said, "Now when you look at this you will know I am looking at mine too...you can remember how much I love you and miss you. It can be a small way to keep us together while we're apart."

And so the tradition carried. Each trip....a heart.

As my son grew older, he wanted it to be a bit smaller....I assume so that no one would notice at school...but still a heart.

Yesterday, as I was loading the car, Paysen asked...."What about my heart mom?"  He is 13...almost 14. It took my breath for a moment. As much as I still miss him, he misses me too. So the heart was drawn...We have also added in a red square for Phinlynn and I... 

I stare at them while I drive, while I walk, while I wait for doctors to come into the room. 

That tradition is comfort for me.

Paysen and I have another tradition.

Every Christmas Devan takes the kids to pick out gifts for me.

He provides no restrictions...no guidance.

Just a "get what you think she will love" approach.

Most years, Paysen picks out a necklace. 

Not just any necklace...but always a mythical creature.

Ive received a flying pig,

a unicorn,

a magical owl.

All adorned with jewels...and sparkle.

None of these necklaces possess any characteristics that would cause me to choose them for myself. 

But.

For whatever reason, when Paysen looks at these sparkling pieces of magical animals...

he sees me.

So when I leave for Denver....or anywhere really.

Or If he leaves to go somewhere.

I make sure to wear one of the necklaces.

Not only does it make me think of my son,

it also makes me laugh, 

each time I catch a view of it in the mirror, or when I reach down to feel it.

I laugh,

I smile...

I find comfort in these little gifts...

These little traditions.

Both of these small examples are reminders for me.

Reminders to be thankful.

Thankful for my children,

for their personalities....

for the way that they miss me...

the way that they see me.

Thankful that they're safe while I am away.

Do you have any traditions like this?

Any small things you do that others might not even notice? 

As Parklen and I are waiting for the doctor today, I am finding myself exceedingly anxious.

So much always hinges on these checkups. Especially this one.... it has been months since we've seen his doctor (thanks Covid)

What does his blood say?

What does his school year look like?

Are his infusions working?

On and On the questions go...

I find the most grounding this I can do...right now is focus on what is.

I know for sure that I have a family that loves me.

I know for sure that Parklen is loved.

I know for sure that today Parklen feels good.

I know for sure that weather is nice and the sun is shining.

and most importantly...

I know for absolute sure, that the holder of all answers, loves Parklen.

I know for sure that Parklen's future isn't a mystery to God.

and that gives me comfort.

So while I wait for the answers here....I hold tight to this unicorn necklace....and my faith.

Knowing that no words can be spoken in this place, to shake what I know for certain.