Wednesday, January 26, 2011

No one told me. . . .

No one ever told me what it was like to have a boy.  No one warned me of the number a little boy would do on my heart.  No one told me that no matter who has loved you before, no love can compare to the love your own little boy will give. 

Paysen was the biggest life changer for me.  He came along just in time to save me from myself. . . .before Paysen I didn't see the world like I do now, I cared about having fun and being crazy. 

 From the moment I found out that I was pregnant my life has never been the same.  I instantly felt like a new person.  I never took  a responsibility so seriously.  I was definantly one of the craziest women EVER during this time. 

Being pregnant, I couldn't read enough books, I couldn't research enough, I couldn't ask my doctor enough questions, I couldn't eat healthy enough, I could NOT have tried harder than I did.
I walked around with a feeling unlike any other.  I was to be a mother, someone would call me mommy.  I couldn't wait.

My sweet Paysen was born and a new chapter in my life quickly followed. What a joy it was to hold him, to nurse him, to kiss him.  I loved my baby.  We had decided that there was no sacrifice too big for me to be home with our son.  That even if we had to eat Ramen Noodles, or never do anything social it was worth Me being a stay at home mom. Honestly the best decision of my life. 

Paysen became so much more than a baby very quickly, he became my little friend.  He was talking before he should, walking pretty soon too.  He could hold a conversation before the age of one.  By only 18 months he could tell you the name of each and every one of his 30 hotwheels cars.  Such a smart boy.

Paysen is oh so funny, if you have met him you know this.  He has the Wit of someone 5 times his age and the timing to go with it.  He makes me laugh all the time, even when I am trying my best to be stern.

One day, Paysen's whole world changed.  He was given a brother.  This was not a gift that he readily accepted.  He didn't like the idea of sharing his house, his things and especially not his mom and dad.

When Parky got sick I had no choice but to leave Paysen behind, he couldn't be with me.  I had to go with the greater need.  This is one of the toughest things I have had to do.  I was away from him for almost a month, (that was just the first time) seeing him for only a couple days.  He, only 2 at the time, wasn't greatly into talking on the phone so I was just with out him.  He changed while I was gone.  He didn't trust me as much any more. (How could I have left him? why would I go with out him?) 

After the first hospitalization of Parky, Paysen was a different boy.  He began to cry about every thing, I couldn't take him to school with out a horrible fit, he didn't even want to stay with his Nana. . . if I was out of his sight, he was crying.  I cant imagine how he felt or how the world looked through the eyes of a two year old in this situation.

Paysen loves his mommy, in his words,"Mom, do you know how much I love you? As much as there are rocks on the earth, and mom, thats a lot." 

I never knew that every toy or object could and would be turned in to a weapon, airplane or missile.  I didn't know that wrestling was, not only a fun activity but a necessity at least a few times a day.  I didn't know that any creature on earth could have as much energy as a little boy. 

As time goes on I watch my little man grow up.  Tears fill my eyes when I think of him being a four year old. Where has the time gone?  I think of the things I have missed while being with his brother, always feeling guilt.  But when I think about Paysen, the thing that strikes me the most is that no one ever told me, no one ever told me that such a huge wonder found in such a small package would occur in my life , and that the love of this one child had the power to change my whole world.

I love my Paysen.

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