Thursday, January 12, 2012
I could not even hold back the tears today. It was a normal fit for Parklen, especially normal after two straight hours of high dose steroids being pumped into his veins. But, for whatever reason, when he began punching, scratching, hitting and attempting to choke me....I lost it.
I was just staring down at my baby, watching him turn purple as he attempted to get enough breath for his next scream, and my heart hurt so much that the tears shot out of my eyes. His rant was brought on by something small, a finger poke. They just needed a tiny bit of blood for a test they missed yesterday. This kid has had a billion finger pokes, they aren't a big deal. Today he wasn't having it....he won the fight, they poked and he cried so much that his blood clotted and the test didn't happen.
The entire infusion floor could hear his wails (if you have never experienced a Parklen fit, it really is something to write home about) That kid can scream.
The moment that Parklen saw my tears, he stopped. It was in that moment that I felt the weight of failure...........What had I done? How could I have lost my cool, Parklen needed me to be strong in his weak moment, and I just couldn't do it.
I am feeling the weight of daily life heavy on my shoulders. I physically ache, my migraines are terrible, my back is killing and my arthritis is at its worse.........I feel very old. I don't feel connected to many people, my friends, my family, my kids, my husband.
I cant put my finger on the difference, I have been through much harder times than this.....Its just here and now that is getting to me. I don't feel sorry for myself, I just feel exhausted......
The boys are napping here in the hotel, and I am sitting in such quiet that I can loudly hear my thoughts. I am looking at the clock, its almost 6 and I should be waking them up but I cant make myself do it..........I took a bath, started a new book, watched the news and checked my email.....I am FULLY aware that they will be staying up a little later tonight, but the silence is worth it to me now.
We have one more day of treatments tomorrow, as well as visits from his other doctors here....then its home till next month. There has been talk about moving here when Devan graduates......I hope the conversation dissipates....This place drains the life from my veins.
So now, that was a very depressing bit of words.....sorry for that.
On a happier note, This too shall pass, and all could very well be cured with some chocolate and finishing the rest of this book.....