Amanda and the Hendersons

It feels nice to have lots and lots of people thinking of your family and praying for you.  It is refreshing to know that, at a drop of a hat, people will be by your side!  I have been receiving so many messages and texts......filled with concern for our family, for me.  People are worried about Parklen for obvious reasons.....but people worry about me too. Possibly because I am six and a half months pregnant....possibly because people cannot imagine being in my place. I just want to let everyone know....I am OK!  I will admit, it is a bit harder being here while being pregnant.....It is a bit harder to contain my emotions.....I have to be sure to eat regularly, and I have to make 1.5 billion trips to the bathroom......but I am doing OK! Being alone down here isn't as bad as people think.  I am so used to it. I have spent over four years living this lifestyle.  If I ever needed, Devan would speed down in a moments notice.  I don't want t...

Parklen and his daddy.....four years ago..... Yesterday I entered a place where I never thought I would be again.  As I walked the long, stark white hall I felt a sense of de ja vous that I have never experienced before. My mind flew back to four years ago.......a life time away.....to a time so scary it surpasses all other experiences in my life.  I was alone then and found myself alone again.  No one to help bare this weight in this moment.  The sterile smells overwhelmed my nose, the sounds of monitors pierced my ears. Parklen and I were on our way to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit.  Parklen....today. It has been weeks since Parklen felt well enough to do much.  Weeks since we saw his tiny spirit.  Weeks since he was able to run around and not be constrained with wearing his oxygen.  He had been getting worse, much worse.  He was scheduled to be admitted this week for some testing and observation.  Things don't alw...

I am living a double life....... Every day I am multiple people all wrapped into one.  I live a "normal" life.  Loving wife and mother.  Attending wrestling practice, dropping and picking up my son from school.....cooking dinner, cleaning...(just kidding, I dont clean much) I try and put on my smile, I try and make small talk with people.  I do what I can. My other life is much darker than the average.  I force smiles to keep from tears.  I hold my youngest boy tightly......I adminester meds, I adjust oxygen...I prepare him for chest treatments, I clean up vomit and wipe tears.  I watch Parklen sleep.....I pray every moment.  I try to push down the emotions that rise in my throat.  I cry.  I cry a lot.  I think of the future and how much is unknown.  I worry.....I feel guilty about worrying because I know who holds the future. But I worry still. I struggle with lonliness....telling my best of friends they cannot come...

Did you see ever Ferris Bueller's Day off back in the 80's?  It was in my top three favorite movies from growing up.  My favorite quote from the film, strangely.......is one that runs through my head almost every day.   "Life moves by pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around every once in a while....you just might miss it." I have been feeling this way every single day lately....like its just flying by.  I'm trying to look around, every moment, every second........breathe in the beauty of my family.  Suck every drop out my the boys' childhood, pay attention to each moment spent with my husband, and never ever forget what it felt like to be RIGHT here, right now.  Things aren't easy today, or yesterday.....or for a few weeks now.  Parklen is sick.  Getting worse. And no one knows what to do about it.  He spends most every single day laying on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, begging for cuddles.  Ev...