Amanda and the Hendersons

Three years. I spent my morning reading through messages and posts and stories from this day in 2013. I cannot believe its been three years. Then again....sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago. I can remember every ounce of raw emotion that I felt that day. I can remember the way my kids looked. The way Paysen handled the surgery, the recovery.  The way he looked so small in that hospital gown. His freckles and his teeth as he woke up after the procedure. I can remember when they wheeled him back onto the floor and the nurses clapped... I can remember the way Parklen couldn't stop staring at Paysen when we brought him into his room. His frail little body laying next to his hero in bed. The way he picked at his fingernails like he does when he's nervous.... and just watched his brother. I remember the way they giggled. I can see the room where Parklen lived.. The super hero window, the posters covering the walls. I can remember the doctors filling the ro...

Right now it is after midnight... The house is mostly quiet, the background rumble of the clothes in the dryer.... and the crime documentary playing softly across the room from me. Thats all I can hear... Everyone asleep... everyone but me. I laid down for a few minutes.... but quickly realized sleep was not ready to come. My mind is overflowing.... So. Many. Thoughts. A lot of the things floating around in my head tonight ....and yesterday , and last week .... I refuse to speak out loud. Many of them...I try to drown out with prayer..... silence them before they take me over....sometimes it works.... but they always come back. And to be honest....a lot of my prayers end in angry cries..... One thing seems to stack upon the next.... and the tower grows higher, and higher still.... Until something small, a feather.... taps it ever so slightly....and the pieces fall into my lap... tear soaked and messy. Each morning I wipe my lap cle...