Saturday, October 29, 2016

Three years.

Three years.



I spent my morning reading through messages and posts and stories from this day in 2013.
I cannot believe its been three years.
Then again....sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago.

I can remember every ounce of raw emotion that I felt that day. I can remember the way my kids looked.

The way Paysen handled the surgery, the recovery.  The way he looked so small in that hospital gown. His freckles and his teeth as he woke up after the procedure.
I can remember when they wheeled him back onto the floor and the nurses clapped...

I can remember the way Parklen couldn't stop staring at Paysen when we brought him into his room. His frail little body laying next to his hero in bed.
The way he picked at his fingernails like he does when he's nervous.... and just watched his brother.

I remember the way they giggled.

I can see the room where Parklen lived.. The super hero window, the posters covering the walls.
I can remember the doctors filling the room as we anticipated the transplant.
The cooler that held Paysen's marrow being carried by the door and me following to take a picture.....
The doctor leaning against the wall and accidentally pushing the "code" button....
The flood of staff running in shortly after in a mild panic...

I remember one of our favorite nurses...it was her first transplant....
I can see her hooking the marrow up to the pump and smiling as we all stood around watching.
I remember the boys eating pumpkin pie that another favorite nurse from our past had brought to them.

Its all so fresh in my mind.

And next to these memories...tucked nicely into its own place,
lives the hopes I felt that day.
The immense feelings of hope and fear, intertwined together..
The knowledge that this day would forever be a turning point in our lives...

The first two years after Parklen's transplant were crazy.
Many days in the hospital...
Many days lived away from home...
And many many days filled with health.

I remember when they told me Parklen had officially engrafted.
It was my birthday.
It was the best gift I could have been given.
It was that I saw a glimpse into our future..
and it looked so bright...
and for a while it so was..

Today was filled with so much emotion for me. I had so much hope that three years later...things would be so different.  And as much as I wish they were...they aren't what I had hoped.

Parklen and I returned from Denver just 2 days ago... and we leave again in 4...
Life is more mysteries and unanswered questions....

I am so thankful for the day we had 3 years ago.
It was the most significant day in my life.
It showed me depth that I may have never seen otherwise.
I was able to witness first hand a 7 year old hero in action.
I got to watch Parklen receive his gift.
I saw God more than a billion times that day.
That day, enabled us to be here today...
with Parklen.
It gave Parklen a new start...
a year in a classroom,
months worth of running and playing and jumping.
It gave him days without sickness and nights full of rest.
It gave him the ability to be a boy...

I have to believe that those times will return.
I have to.
Because the miracle that is Parklen...
The things he has lived through and the mountains he has climbed...
He has so much left to do...
So many people to tell his story to.

He had a rough start to his day.. a bit of bruising.. and bunch of fatigue and feeling crummy...
but we ended on a good note.
We carved pumpkins and ate chocolate cake...

As I watched him laying on the couch this morning I had many flashbacks from our life before October 29th 2013...My heart hurts in a way that it never has before... but I am choosing to end my day on a good note too...
and instead...
think about the many miracles that have been given to us through this boy's life.
I am going to fall asleep tonight remembering the good.



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