Saturday, February 18, 2012


I have been hurting more ways than one.  The biggest sadness for me in recent days stems from a sense of guilt.  I am struggling to hold on to my big boy.  Paysen is so smart, but he still cannot understand the reasons for the life he has.  He doesn't get why he has to have so much pain. I feel like I am dancing in quick sand, sinking ever quickly.......

Last week I dropped him off at preschool as I was leaving for Denver.  As I said goodbye to Paysen, I looked in his teary eyes and my heart sank.  I sat in the parking lot sobbing.....
It is so unfair.....I say goodbye to him far too often. 

Paysen is very angry, he is very sad.  He is showing me these feelings in outbursts....he just doesn't have the words to express his heart. 

Paysen loves his little much.  He prays for him at every prayer...."God please heal my brother..." 

It really is such a strange situation, its not the norm.  I have always had this guilt....trying to be a good mom to two boys is a tough enough job.....trying to be a good mom to a sick baby is hard....trying to be a good mom to his healthy big brother at the same time is really hard.

It is such a hard thing to balance, I have to take care of Parklen. There isn't a choice there.  And that care takes a lot of my time, everyday.  Paysen is so precious to me, the idea that he thinks I feel differently for him kills me.

I have been doing some extra things with Paysen....We had a pottery painting date last week, I have taken him with me everywhere when Dad has been home to keep Parklen....and yes, I admit....I have been sneaking the little dude into bed with us the last couple nights.  I am not ashamed......

I just want him to know, whatever way it takes....that he means the world to me.

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