catch up

I have begun to write this post over and over for more than six weeks now.....always deciding to delete what I have written. Finding that much of what I had to say sounded far too much like an invitation to my very own pity party.. So many things have happened over the past 6 weeks......too much to recount. 

Life seems to go by more quickly than I can even comprehend and no matter how I may try....I just cannot seem to slow it down. 

The end of November marks many things for our family…I turned another year older, we celebrated thanksgiving. but the thing that stands out most to me is how the end of last month marks exactly four years since we first carried our baby through the doors of a hospital.

Parklen is having treatments every four weeks for a while in Denver.....which means lots of trips for me.  His health is not something that I feel like I can talk about lately.  When I start to speak of things that doctors have said, or tests have shown....I find myself upset and worried about the future.  I find myself unable to control my fear, unable to control my tears and unable to remain calm..   My solution to this has been silence.  I have quick answers for when people ask how he is doing, ways to avoid too many details........

This pregnancy has me trying to control my emotions.  Working towards low stress levels for the health of the baby........not something that comes easy. 


We took a ride to see some of our friends after this last Denver trip, it was a weekend that I wished could have lasted much longer. 

We attended the Christmas Parade in their tiny town, something the boys loved.  The rest of the time, we did a lot of nothing.......perfection. 

Don't judge this picture too hard......Little Paysen took this snap of his parents....not too shabby eh?!?!

After the terrible tragedy that happened last week, I am struggling with a new set of anxieties.  If I am being honest, I will admit that I have thought about what it would be like to lose a child, I have been faced with this possibility in my life, but I have never worried about taking my son to school and something terrible happening there.  I spent the weekend in my pajamas, with my boys, being lazy and squeezing them a lot.  There were a couple of times when they asked me why I was hugging them so much........I just said, "Why not?" 

Paysen has no idea about what happened in that school across the country.  He is faced with so much worry.  He worries about being away from his parents, he worries about his mom traveling to Denver, he worries about losing his brother.  I do not want him to worry about going to school.  He doesn't need to . 

For today I concentrate on the good things.....The joy in my life.  My children, my husband and the privilege to trust God every day.  Trust him with things I do not understand....trust him with knowledge that he holds the future....Trust that, in the face of tragedy, he remains.  That although terrible things happen in this world, this world in not the end...........