Memories
The last few weeks have been very tough......
for the kids.....with seemingly endless colds...coughs and fevers....
for Devan.....finishing up his finals....
and for me........just trying to hold myself together.
Often times, I may appear to have it together....
I may look like I have it figured out.
I may smile....
crack a joke.......
But more times than not.....the inside of me is struggling to match the outside....
My thoughts, my feelings....my worries, they are ever present, ever changing....
God is constantly at work within my mind....
It seems that the moment that one worry is removed....another quickly moves in to occupy its place....
As we prepare to leave for Denver tomorrow, I am flooded with emotion.
I find myself concerned....
worried about whats been causing random fevers in Parklen....
worried because the coughing won't stop.....
worried because, no matter how hard I try.....
no matter which precautions I take....
it hasn't been enough.
I have failed.
I have been unable to keep the sickness out.
Something made it's way past...
Past the barrier of Lysol and bleach......
in spite of the cleaning....
straight through the filtered air....
and not only did it get in...
it has failed to leave.
it has lingered.....
whatever it is.....
As I was listening to Parklen cough this evening, my mind went to another time.....
a year ago.
2013.
We had been going to Denver for monthly treatments and check ups....sometimes we were there twice a month.....
it was our routine.
I had watched Parklen quickly fall into a deeper pit of sickness....
I had held him through tears, and treatments....
and, in spite our greatest efforts....our deepest prayers....he was becoming more ill with every passing day.
Last year....
It was the "June" appointment that changed everything.
It was the 6th monthly visit that turned our life upside down.
Parken was struggling to breathe,
he had been for a while.
With each pull he made for air, his eyes filled with despair....
He could go no longer than a couple of minutes without wearing his oxygen....
He was swallowing over 20 pills a day.
He was spending hours a day, doubled up in pain.....
and we head down to hear the same as we always had....
"Stay the course and hope something improves"
Only that is not what we heard....
instead, it was a trip filled with terror.
I left the appointment full of despair....
as we laid down to sleep that night, my hand never left Parklen's chest.
I drifted in and out of sleep....failing to allow my body to relax.
I could just feel it....
something terrible was about to happen.
The plan was to return early for more infusions.....
as the sun began to poke through the clouds....
my world began to shatter.
Parklen sat up in bed and began to vomit......
for no apparent reason....
and from out of nowhere.
There I was,
alone in a hotel....
with a 2 month old baby.....
and a small boy who was so sick....
I swallowed my fear,
and loaded the baby and the vomiting five year old in the car.
We drove the few blocks to the hospital and I rushed into the ER.
The frustration began to build as I waited for a room for my son.....
No one could see past his shallow breaths and dipping oxygen levels.....
they failed to listen to my concerns over his vomiting.....
I was all but shouting.... "there is something wrong with his stomach..."
Quickly he was admitted into the ICU.
They worked hard to stabilize his breathing.....
Once he was "under control" things seemed to stand still.
Devan headed down that day and stayed with Parklen that night....
I slept on another floor in the hospital with Paysen and Phinlynn....
When i returned to Parklen's side the next morning I was greeted by news that Parklen's abdomen had been growing steadily overnight.
My heart sank because I knew that my feelings had been correct.
Parklen had a hole in his bowel....
poison was leaking throughout his abdomen....
and he was rushed into surgery.
After meeting with the surgeon, my fears were amplified....
they didn't know what would come of the situation.
That "June" Denver trip forever altered our path in this life.....
One thing led to the next and Parklen ended up in the hospital for a month.....
We left the hospital with a child nearly 12 pounds lighter....
an ostomy bag...
a fragile being....
an uncertain future....
I cannot push these memories from my mind.
They are living there....in the forefront.
As we prepare to leave for our June appointment tomorrow.....
they are there.
Thoughts of days passed....
moments of memories so dark....
Visions of meetings with doctors,
frozen in my mind....
I can see Parklen on the ventilator for the 4th time in his short life....
I can picture his desperation.......
I can see it all.
and the pain is fresh...
As I listen to his cough,
as I peer at the thermometer showing the low grade fever....
and I wonder what this trip will bring.
Pray for Parklen, when you think of him.....
Pray for us.
Pray for our trip....
for the kids.....with seemingly endless colds...coughs and fevers....
for Devan.....finishing up his finals....
and for me........just trying to hold myself together.
Often times, I may appear to have it together....
I may look like I have it figured out.
I may smile....
crack a joke.......
But more times than not.....the inside of me is struggling to match the outside....
My thoughts, my feelings....my worries, they are ever present, ever changing....
God is constantly at work within my mind....
It seems that the moment that one worry is removed....another quickly moves in to occupy its place....
As we prepare to leave for Denver tomorrow, I am flooded with emotion.
I find myself concerned....
worried about whats been causing random fevers in Parklen....
worried because the coughing won't stop.....
worried because, no matter how hard I try.....
no matter which precautions I take....
it hasn't been enough.
I have failed.
I have been unable to keep the sickness out.
Something made it's way past...
Past the barrier of Lysol and bleach......
in spite of the cleaning....
straight through the filtered air....
and not only did it get in...
it has failed to leave.
it has lingered.....
whatever it is.....
As I was listening to Parklen cough this evening, my mind went to another time.....
a year ago.
2013.
We had been going to Denver for monthly treatments and check ups....sometimes we were there twice a month.....
it was our routine.
I had watched Parklen quickly fall into a deeper pit of sickness....
I had held him through tears, and treatments....
and, in spite our greatest efforts....our deepest prayers....he was becoming more ill with every passing day.
Last year....
It was the "June" appointment that changed everything.
It was the 6th monthly visit that turned our life upside down.
Parken was struggling to breathe,
he had been for a while.
With each pull he made for air, his eyes filled with despair....
He could go no longer than a couple of minutes without wearing his oxygen....
He was swallowing over 20 pills a day.
He was spending hours a day, doubled up in pain.....
and we head down to hear the same as we always had....
"Stay the course and hope something improves"
Only that is not what we heard....
instead, it was a trip filled with terror.
I left the appointment full of despair....
as we laid down to sleep that night, my hand never left Parklen's chest.
I drifted in and out of sleep....failing to allow my body to relax.
I could just feel it....
something terrible was about to happen.
The plan was to return early for more infusions.....
as the sun began to poke through the clouds....
my world began to shatter.
Parklen sat up in bed and began to vomit......
for no apparent reason....
and from out of nowhere.
 |
| Parklen last June |
There I was,
alone in a hotel....
with a 2 month old baby.....
and a small boy who was so sick....
I swallowed my fear,
and loaded the baby and the vomiting five year old in the car.
We drove the few blocks to the hospital and I rushed into the ER.
The frustration began to build as I waited for a room for my son.....
No one could see past his shallow breaths and dipping oxygen levels.....
they failed to listen to my concerns over his vomiting.....
I was all but shouting.... "there is something wrong with his stomach..."
Quickly he was admitted into the ICU.
They worked hard to stabilize his breathing.....
Once he was "under control" things seemed to stand still.
Devan headed down that day and stayed with Parklen that night....
I slept on another floor in the hospital with Paysen and Phinlynn....
When i returned to Parklen's side the next morning I was greeted by news that Parklen's abdomen had been growing steadily overnight.
My heart sank because I knew that my feelings had been correct.
Parklen had a hole in his bowel....
poison was leaking throughout his abdomen....
and he was rushed into surgery.
After meeting with the surgeon, my fears were amplified....
they didn't know what would come of the situation.
That "June" Denver trip forever altered our path in this life.....
One thing led to the next and Parklen ended up in the hospital for a month.....
We left the hospital with a child nearly 12 pounds lighter....
an ostomy bag...
a fragile being....
an uncertain future....
I cannot push these memories from my mind.
They are living there....in the forefront.
As we prepare to leave for our June appointment tomorrow.....
they are there.
Thoughts of days passed....
moments of memories so dark....
Visions of meetings with doctors,
frozen in my mind....
I can see Parklen on the ventilator for the 4th time in his short life....
I can picture his desperation.......
I can see it all.
As I listen to his cough,
as I peer at the thermometer showing the low grade fever....
and I wonder what this trip will bring.
Pray for Parklen, when you think of him.....
Pray for us.
Pray for our trip....
Your prayer are coming. God is with you God Bless you and your family
ReplyDeleteReading your story tears my heart to pieces for you and your family. I will lift you all up in prayer and especially your precious boy. Many moms are praying to give you continued strength, you have been so strong.
ReplyDelete"Oh Lord, you have searched me and known me!
ReplyDeleteYou know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you rdiscern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you." Psalm 139
I'm so sorry. I will pray for you continually.