Aware....

-



It was the moment when I finally drifted off to sleep....I felt myself fall...
It had been a long day, and I was tired.
At first I thought it was a dream....but the tiny voice calling out to me, continued....
"mommy...."

I shook myself awake and pulled my heavy body out of bed.
Up the stairs,
into the room,
dimly lit...
I leaned over to pick her up.

The little girl with tear stained cheeks wrapped her arms tightly around my neck,
she nuzzled in and quickly her breath matched up with mine...
I stood there for a few moments, swaying back and forth and breathing in her smell.
"What's wrong baby?"
"I wuv you mommy..."
and I continued to sway.
My eyes heavy,
and my body yearning for my bed.

I began to feel myself wishing I was asleep....
before the thought took over my brain, I shoved it down.....

I remembered the moments of rocking the boys when they were so small....and thought about how I can barely lift them now.
How quickly the time passes...too quickly.

She was not feeling good.
Swollen cheeks from intruding molars.

We spent a lot of time together....
the two of us,
in the middle of the night.

Hugs and giggles,
midnight snacks,
drinks of water and kisses...
and trying to teach my daughter how to whisper....

When I placed her back in bed,
my heart felt a little more full....

I tucked the blanket in and leaned down to kiss her forehead...
she smiled up at me with a look in her eyes that cannot be described...

It is so easy to let these moment slip away....
to allow ourselves to get caught up in the craziness of life....
caught up in the exhaustion...
the busy...

I am so thankful for the times when I am able to make myself aware....
the moments that I've lost, are countless....

Being aware...
being present....
being awake...

there are no greater gifts...
for our children......
and for ourselves....

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Time

-
Image
It sure has been some time. Time since I sat before this blank page that used to bring me such comfort.  Time since I shared deep feelings.. Time since I opened the curtain into my heart, for all to see. Time ticks by. Ever quickly. They say that time heals all wounds... I think anyone who has suffered a broken heart, knows thats not the truth, Who are they  anyway? Time forms. Like the hands of the potter... moving, moulding, squeezing, pinching. As the clay spins, the potter changes it. It isn't healed, it is... becoming something new. That is what time does. It changes us. Into something new. Forms. Different. Pressure is no stranger to me. My life has been woven with the thread of pain, of squeezing discomfort. Tension. Difficulties, Heartache. I recently found myself in thought about who I was. Who I have been.. The little girl, the teenager, the new wife, the young mother, the hospital mom, the friend, the estranged, the sister. I. Have. Changed. I am new. I am different. My
Read more

{zero}

-
Image
Today will go down in the books as the longest day ever........ Day Zero. Transplant day. The new beginning. We started the festivities this morning at 4:00 AM......After just going to bed a couple of hours earlier, this was pretty early!!!! Paysen and I headed down to check in for his surgery....you could see the nerves on his face, I could feel them in his tiny hand that I held with in mine.. He had been looking toward this surgery for over a month. There had been so many delays, I can only imagine the things that were going on in My big boy's head...... He mustered the strength to show a brave face, however difficult. We checked him in and headed up. He took comfort in having both parents present for him. He listened as the "Sleep doctor" told of what she would do..... as we watched him we could see the clock ticking, he was growing more nervous. Paysen had a traumatic event in the operating room. It was the worst thing I have witnessed before a s
Read more

26 days.............

-
Image
Twenty six days ago I loaded the Honda up with enough stuff for a one day trip to Denver....... Four Wednesdays, Four weekend visits with our other half....624 hours.....Twenty six days....and Parklen, Phinlynn and I are still here. Parklen's illness has seemed to steadily increase...as time has gone on, each flare up has outdone the last.  This was the worst one yet.  This one made him sicker than he has been,  this one caused concern in everyone that knows Parklen.  This stay in the hospital included a tiny infant to nurse and care for.....this stay included frequent discussion about Parklen's future....and a three ring binder handed to every parent about to take their child into a bone marrow transplant. A binder filled with facts......a binder that will make your mommy tummy churn...... I have spent much time thumbing through the pages of this BMT book.....reading over risks, skimming through rules.....every moment realizing that if I EVER thought my life was har
Read more