been a day...

-






"It has been a day......"
I thought to myself as I slumped down into the couch...
The kids finally tucked into their beds,
and the first moment of silence for the day rang calmly in my ears....

The moment of peace quickly faded as the list of worries quickly found their place at the forefront of my mind.... constant. Ever present....

It has been more than a day.....


There is an elephant that smiles down at me as he perches himself upon my chest....as if to say,
"Yes, I'm still here..."
Although, I already know this to be true...because the weight .....oh the weight...is hard to bear...
Each breath feels heavy and hard to grasp....

and why?!?!

Not one reason....but many.
The worry resides...

The ever present companion....
The unknown...

I yearn for a breath so deep...
for the weight to be lifted.

and Yet,
I struggle.

Too much swimming through the rivers of my mind to convey...
too deep of waters to wade...

I pray for relief...
and I know...
He hears...
but for now, He is quiet...

When you think of it....wont you pray for me? For us? For the breath....for the weight to be lifted.
We know...I know that the goodness of God will overcome...even in dark days...

It seems that in the midst of struggle...life carries on... Phin just turned 3, are you kidding me? Parklen is currently preparing to turn EIGHT...that cannot be possible...  Devan is working on the biggest project of his graduate school career...he presents this week.... Paysen...growing, in height and character....

And so... I carry on.....




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

{zero}

-
Image
Today will go down in the books as the longest day ever........ Day Zero. Transplant day. The new beginning. We started the festivities this morning at 4:00 AM......After just going to bed a couple of hours earlier, this was pretty early!!!! Paysen and I headed down to check in for his surgery....you could see the nerves on his face, I could feel them in his tiny hand that I held with in mine.. He had been looking toward this surgery for over a month. There had been so many delays, I can only imagine the things that were going on in My big boy's head...... He mustered the strength to show a brave face, however difficult. We checked him in and headed up. He took comfort in having both parents present for him. He listened as the "Sleep doctor" told of what she would do..... as we watched him we could see the clock ticking, he was growing more nervous. Paysen had a traumatic event in the operating room. It was the worst thing I have witnessed before a s
Read more

26 days.............

-
Image
Twenty six days ago I loaded the Honda up with enough stuff for a one day trip to Denver....... Four Wednesdays, Four weekend visits with our other half....624 hours.....Twenty six days....and Parklen, Phinlynn and I are still here. Parklen's illness has seemed to steadily increase...as time has gone on, each flare up has outdone the last.  This was the worst one yet.  This one made him sicker than he has been,  this one caused concern in everyone that knows Parklen.  This stay in the hospital included a tiny infant to nurse and care for.....this stay included frequent discussion about Parklen's future....and a three ring binder handed to every parent about to take their child into a bone marrow transplant. A binder filled with facts......a binder that will make your mommy tummy churn...... I have spent much time thumbing through the pages of this BMT book.....reading over risks, skimming through rules.....every moment realizing that if I EVER thought my life was har
Read more

Whats mine...

-
Image
 Writing is what I should've been doing every day for the last year and a half.  Writing is my escape... my joy.. my pleasure. But. It has been tainted. Turned around and become a fuel for my anxiety.  What if?  What if my words are misunderstood....what if people are offended by my thoughts, what if they think Im saying something I am not..... Again. What if.... There have been depths of pain the past few months that I have never known. And MY GOD ....thats saying something. and speaking of God..... I dont feel much like talking to Him lately.  I try  to. BUT  tears fill the spaces where the words should be. Nothing to say, but a billion WHY'S.... So tonight....I write for me.  I write....and I trust that these words are enough..LOUD enough for God to hear....and raw enough for them to count...as the prayer I cannot muster. So many stories of heartache and pain have been woven into the days, hours.... minutes....seconds of the passing months.  Stories....that most of which, ar
Read more