Monday, August 8, 2016

Working toward new...

I was walking through the store the other day...
Everywhere I looked there was someone pushing a cart full of school supplies.
Notebooks,
Pencils,
Glue sticks,
Backpacks.....
My eyes darted from cart to cart...and I fought back tears...

Devan walked ahead of me...unaware of my impending breakdown.

Just people...probably mostly parents...
buying supplies...
for school.

No big deal...right?

All I could think about though...
was how I would be shopping for only one boy to return to school this year.
Because, we have all that we need for Parklen to have school here at the house...
Our basement doesn't require special supplies...

I had such high hopes three years ago...when we entered into transplant...
my hopes for a new life for Parklen grew as he smashed through chemo and the receiving of his brother's cells....
When he got to go home much earlier than anticipated...they grew again.
It was a thought always in the back of my head...but each time he flew over a hurdle...I let myself believe a little bit that it was possible for him to leave the life of illness behind.


Over the last couple of months, we've been working on a treatment plan for Parklen as he struggles with these new issues that have come his way. And still... he isn't resolving.

I was sad for him when he couldn't go to Kindergarten and had to stay home for the year....
but I am extra sad now.

I'm sad because, I want him to have the things that are important to him....
friends,
routine,
teachers...

I can close my eyes and see Parklen's face on that first day of first grade.
The excitement he had to be inside of a classroom...
The way that he grinned when he sat in his place.
I can see his face and hear his voice as he told me about his first day.

I haven't actually told Parklen that he won't be starting in a few weeks. I just cannot do it.
He is struggling with some feelings of depression.  He is having more moments of sadness than happy. Spending much time laying around...sleeping....feeling tired....feeling sad. He is emotional about everything.  Much of that can be blamed on his condition or on his medication....but some of it, I believe is just him being over it all.

Parklen and I are here in Denver.
We will go in for appointments tomorrow.
We will start down a new path.....different treatment plan.

We took a camping trip this weekend. It was a decision that rested on how Parklen felt...how his blood test looked.  It was a decision that I wanted to say no to. I wanted to say no because I am so darn tired. But when I looked at the excitement that Parklen had when he heard that his platelets were still high enough for activity....I knew that I had to say yes.

It has become my normal to make my life decisions based on things like that. So, I packed up the car and we headed out.  Id like to say I slept on the way out of town....but I sat wide awake. Next to my husband...and I thought of all things Parklen.

The weekend was a little crazy...
the weather was rough....
The Wyoming wind had its way with our tent...
But, the kids had fun....and that makes any amount of trouble...worth it.


I will just leave this here now...because I don't want to whine......
and ask that you pray for my boy (again) 
pray that this new plan works...
that he recovers...
that he returns to the land of health....



No comments:

Post a Comment