5 Years
5 years.
I just cannot believe that it's true. It doesn't seem possible.
5 years is such a long time...Its almost as though a few lifetimes have passed since that day.
Can you remember what you were doing 5 years ago?
I remember each moment....like they were yesterday.
The day that Parklen received Paysen's life saving gift of marrow.
Parklen has now lived as long after as he did before.
Day zero is the center point of his existence thus far.
The thing that all of his pain led him to....
and the moment that has made every moment since possible.
Life today isn't what I thought it might be back then.
As we trudged forward toward the transplant....believing in faith that Parklen would make it to the other side.....
No, life isn't exactly how I had imagined.....
But the heartache that would have been without that day....cannot be measured.
You kind of paint an unattainable image of how the years to come will look.
When you’re faced with such an important decision.
Perfection,
ease.....
simplicity....
I can remember Parklen's doctor...who has known him nearly all his life, saying, "A few years from now, you're going to be at home and worrying about things other people worry about, Amanda"
He was right.
I hate that part.
I hate the moments when I forget where we've been for even a minute.
When I treat my worries today as though they have any weight compared to what we have carried.
The mundane....
The normal....
I beg the Lord to keep my memories fresh....
My appreciation in the front of my mind.
Remembering that every day stress is what is being prayed for by someone standing where I used to be.....that's a gift I have to give myself.
Remembering.
Parklen was home from school today...not feeling his best...and needing to rest.
Having him here helped me with my remembering.
It's strange how difficult an anniversary can be. The emotions...the fullness of every moment that was that day. I snuggled that 10 year old boy today and just breathed in his very existence....he's still here.
How blessed am I that that is the truth.
5 years have changed our lives in many ways.....the biggest is that we fight differently for Parklen.
Fight for him to live at his fullest...rather than just fighting for him to live.
I don't miss the days of laying awake and praying for his next breath to arrive...
I don't miss the days of crying out to God and begging for a miracle...
The days of watching him drag an oxygen tube around the house or wheel his iv pole holding the only source of nutrition that he could keep down through our home....I don't miss those.
Or the panic in his eyes every day.
The vomit every couple of hours, the need to be carried to the bathroom more than that.
I don't miss his knobby knees that buckled when he tried to stand....
the 20 pills he took multiple times a day...
The drawing his blood at the kitchen table,
the changing of his feeding tube....
I don't miss any of that.
But God am I ever thankful for it all.
Today I sat in the weight of where we have been. Where we have traveled.
Parklen and I read things from that day and watched videos and talked about things he didn't remember.
I am celebrating the gift of the last five years....I don't dare to imagine what life without Parklen would have been like.....there isn't a need to go there.
Because he is here.
Isn't it strange how quickly time passes and slowly all at once.
What is it that they say?
The days are long, the years are short....
Truth.
I just cannot believe that it's true. It doesn't seem possible.
5 years is such a long time...Its almost as though a few lifetimes have passed since that day.
Can you remember what you were doing 5 years ago?
I remember each moment....like they were yesterday.
The day that Parklen received Paysen's life saving gift of marrow.
Parklen has now lived as long after as he did before.
Day zero is the center point of his existence thus far.
The thing that all of his pain led him to....
and the moment that has made every moment since possible.
Life today isn't what I thought it might be back then.
As we trudged forward toward the transplant....believing in faith that Parklen would make it to the other side.....
No, life isn't exactly how I had imagined.....
But the heartache that would have been without that day....cannot be measured.
You kind of paint an unattainable image of how the years to come will look.
When you’re faced with such an important decision.
Perfection,
ease.....
simplicity....
I can remember Parklen's doctor...who has known him nearly all his life, saying, "A few years from now, you're going to be at home and worrying about things other people worry about, Amanda"
He was right.
I hate that part.
I hate the moments when I forget where we've been for even a minute.
When I treat my worries today as though they have any weight compared to what we have carried.
The mundane....
The normal....
I beg the Lord to keep my memories fresh....
My appreciation in the front of my mind.
Remembering that every day stress is what is being prayed for by someone standing where I used to be.....that's a gift I have to give myself.
Remembering.
Parklen was home from school today...not feeling his best...and needing to rest.
Having him here helped me with my remembering.
It's strange how difficult an anniversary can be. The emotions...the fullness of every moment that was that day. I snuggled that 10 year old boy today and just breathed in his very existence....he's still here.
How blessed am I that that is the truth.
5 years have changed our lives in many ways.....the biggest is that we fight differently for Parklen.
Fight for him to live at his fullest...rather than just fighting for him to live.
I don't miss the days of laying awake and praying for his next breath to arrive...
I don't miss the days of crying out to God and begging for a miracle...
The days of watching him drag an oxygen tube around the house or wheel his iv pole holding the only source of nutrition that he could keep down through our home....I don't miss those.
Or the panic in his eyes every day.
The vomit every couple of hours, the need to be carried to the bathroom more than that.
I don't miss his knobby knees that buckled when he tried to stand....
the 20 pills he took multiple times a day...
The drawing his blood at the kitchen table,
the changing of his feeding tube....
I don't miss any of that.
But God am I ever thankful for it all.
Today I sat in the weight of where we have been. Where we have traveled.
Parklen and I read things from that day and watched videos and talked about things he didn't remember.
I am celebrating the gift of the last five years....I don't dare to imagine what life without Parklen would have been like.....there isn't a need to go there.
Because he is here.
Isn't it strange how quickly time passes and slowly all at once.
What is it that they say?
The days are long, the years are short....
Truth.
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