unexpected

Blame it on the "Baby Blues" messed up hormones.....or maybe just life..but I have been feeling down lately....down on myself.  Its an emotion that I am certain most parents feel one time or another and especially mothers. 

The feeling of being inadequate.......its capable of robbing you of so much.  Your self confidence, your self worth.....your joy. 

I wasn't too surprised when Parklen started to show a return of his symptoms....Ive grown used to it, it takes a lot to shock me when it comes to that little boy.  So when he woke up Tuesday morning with golf ball size lymph nodes through out his neck, head and even one on his face...I already knew deep down that I would be leaving town.  I started to fret right as I put the first thing into our suitcase.  I was flooded with feelings.....feelings that said, "I cannot handle this."  I cannot count the trips I have made over that past five years....its too too many.  I should be able to "handle" them with out a hitch.  Truthfully, when it comes down to it.....even though I feel like I cant....I do.

I have mastered the carrying of suitcases and a sick child while walking through the hospital.....This trip I have managed to teach myself to push a stroller, carry a five year old, a cup of coffee and pull a suitcase behind us....all at once.  Ive got this right?  I still doubt myself.

I doubt my judgment occasionally....wondering if I really need to drive down here all the dang time.....

Today, as Parklen's main doc (who came in on his day off yesterday and today to meet us) and I were speaking about the treatment of this latest outbreak of his disease.....I asked him if he worries about Parklen.  He looked at me, straight faced and said, "no, because you are his mom"  He went on to explain that he felt I was one of the main reasons why Parklen has made it this far and that God gave me to Parklen. "I trust your judgment on Parklen more than anyone else's"  I needed to hear that so badly. 

I have learned that you cannot rely on people for your happiness in this life, that God is all that can fill that hole......I have also learned, that when you are feeling down, God may put the right person in your path to lift your spirits. 

I have a very different normal......my life goes from watching my boys play outside to packing a suitcase for Denver at the drop of a hat.  I have to rely on getting here on my own most of the time.....as anyone who has had a spouse in grad school knows....its almost as though you don't have one......

So we had to come down a week early....unexpectedly.....for a no good reason.... but, here we are.  His doctor said we came just in time and saved Parklen from a hospitalization and severe episode of his ALPS......I can be thankful for that. 

I can be thankful that even though I am juggling my two youngest kids in this big city by myself....it isn't for nothing.....one day, hopefully sooner than later....these trips wont be needed....
One day, my norm will be different.....
one day..................

For today though, I am thankful.....
for those who truly support me, my family and our precious Parklen.
For the love of God that fills the void of loneliness....
For truth speaking doctors who believe in us......
For good medicine....
For beautiful babies......