flooded....

This shot has nothing to do with anything I have to say.....but it has to be shared...because this face makes me happy..

It has really been something lately around here.
For quite some time actually....
It has been seemingly year after year of one thing after another coming our way.
Obstacles mounted upon trials....

Sometimes it takes a basement flooded with inches worth of water....
more than a weeks worth of dry time,
rooms filled with furniture ruined....
risks of mold,
danger for Parklen...
followed by
a need for new drywall,
new carpet...

Its been a couple weeks now....
We are all camping out upstairs...
the boys are sleeping on their sisters floor....
Their toys packed away.....

Sometimes that is what it takes to make you throw your hands up, breathe deeply....and accept that once again....I am not in control.

A lesson that I am taught all too often.....

and apparently.... continue to need....

Because in the world in which i am living, I feel like i need to control so much.
The germs....
The activity,
the safety of our egg...
The cleanliness...
the exposures...
the dangers...
and time will continue to tell....
that all of these are just beyond my reach...

I have been sinking down.....
into a pit.
and I hate it.


I hate the fear that comes with the life Parklen has had.
The constant balloon filled with impending doom that floats above us...
The way that any off breath,
any cough, sneeze, or sniffle....
any groan or tear
can send me into a panic.

The way that any good moment we ever had with Parklen before a year ago was smothered with pain and drowned with sorrow.

The way that something seemingly simple brought us to a complex situation.

We continue to drive down south every few weeks....
and we will have to for months and months to come.
We continue to hike this mountain...
The Mount of Post transplant....
With foot after foot and hand after hand, we preserver.....

We gain a little bit of freedom as time passes....
not taking a single inch of normalcy for granted.

We soak up the time we are all together as we look back to our many days apart....
We thank God for the opportunity of just being together....
to eat together....
drive together....
clean together...
walk together...
play together...
go crazy together....

Parklen running his buns of at Kids Cure for Cancer

because no amount of working or school can replace the moments we now have....
because the purpose of working toward something is meaningless if you cannot stop to enjoy what and who you have....

School approaches us quickly and with it will come much time apart....
nights worth of studying...
lunches eaten apart....
So for now we suck moments out of our days....

We remain thankful for what we have....
Who we have....
We accept that with Parklen's restrictions comes missed opportunities....
but also....
it forces a level of gratitude that may otherwise be overlooked....
When you lack the noise...
the different activities....
and you are left with just one another most of the time....
you find it.

But.
none of it comes with out a fight.
None.

Because the fear remains....
the struggles ever present....
and I work at swallowing them down...
and God helps me through....

But I would be lying a giant lie if I said that life is easy....
but...
would it be worth living if it were?
I like to think not.

I like to think that at my end....
when I look back at the years that I lived on this earth....
I will be thankful for the experiences....for the trials....
because with each of them comes learning and triumphs....
and when I am finished here,
I hope to have made my mark in a way that actually means something...
That my children will remember me in ways that count....
That I will have served a purpose....
and that everything that I accomplished...great or small....
will point to God....
That there will not be a doubt of who I served....
That all of these tough days will chisel away at the stone of life and create a statue that represents what God always intended my life to be.

I get a little teary when I look at these pictures....
The first one was taken exactly one year ago....
it is a picture of a boy that is fighting for his life...
unable to eat, play, run, or even walk....

and the next picture is that same little boy just a couple of weeks ago....having just finished running a race for Brent's place.....
crazy full of life and light.....
eating, playing, running... and living...
and although his expression seems sad, I assure you he was thrilled to have just ran his little heart out! In fact...this picture was snapped moments before he devoured two plates worth of pancakes!

Thanks for hanging in there for the duration with us....
Thanks for praying........ still....
because the need remains!