shovel...

-
My cell phone is full...full of pictures of this....
Countless times every day I find myself scrambling to find my phone to capture a moment when my camera is out of reach.....  There is always a kid doing something photo worthy ....but usually it is this little gal...because she is always....always....adorable....and ready to strike a pose.

She is also a little bit feisty.
I think she has learned that from her brothers.....  

Paysen is always building something...
Parklen is always learning a new trick....

There is so much to be captured around here.

The last couple of days have been crazy.

Three fevers,
on three separate kids.....
Three kids crammed into one doctors appointment.....
and that was just Monday....

Follow with some test results on Parklen that brought my worst nightmare to the front of my mind.....
and that was Tuesday...

Wednesday had its valleys....
Today had some too....


And as I sit here,
I keep trying to think about things to freshen my mood....
Ideas to pass the stress....

I have been crafting every night this week....
something I don't normally make time for,
but I needed an outlet....
and whiskey is never the better option.....

As I search for goodness to fill my mind....
I find it.

In the eyes of my children....
In the laughter echoing throughout these walls....

I find it in a simple conversation with my husband....
A joke from a friend....

I find goodness buried underneath the sadness....
and as I scoop a little bit of dirt off at a time,
I see the shining of the joy that lives within....

I will not lie.
I feel very sad this week...
and some of the ways to that sadness are found along unmarked roads that one cannot be directed to...
I cannot explain all of the reasons.

But when I squint my eyes....
I see the light.

I know that the best is yet to be....
and I know that the right now is pretty ok too......

So here is to the good....
the wonder that is always always there....
Can you see it?

Here is to shoveling away the dirt that sometimes covers its shine......


Thanksgiving is next week and I cannot even count the things that I have to be thankful for....
and that is pretty good.....





Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

{zero}

-
Image
Today will go down in the books as the longest day ever........ Day Zero. Transplant day. The new beginning. We started the festivities this morning at 4:00 AM......After just going to bed a couple of hours earlier, this was pretty early!!!! Paysen and I headed down to check in for his surgery....you could see the nerves on his face, I could feel them in his tiny hand that I held with in mine.. He had been looking toward this surgery for over a month. There had been so many delays, I can only imagine the things that were going on in My big boy's head...... He mustered the strength to show a brave face, however difficult. We checked him in and headed up. He took comfort in having both parents present for him. He listened as the "Sleep doctor" told of what she would do..... as we watched him we could see the clock ticking, he was growing more nervous. Paysen had a traumatic event in the operating room. It was the worst thing I have witnessed before a s
Read more

26 days.............

-
Image
Twenty six days ago I loaded the Honda up with enough stuff for a one day trip to Denver....... Four Wednesdays, Four weekend visits with our other half....624 hours.....Twenty six days....and Parklen, Phinlynn and I are still here. Parklen's illness has seemed to steadily increase...as time has gone on, each flare up has outdone the last.  This was the worst one yet.  This one made him sicker than he has been,  this one caused concern in everyone that knows Parklen.  This stay in the hospital included a tiny infant to nurse and care for.....this stay included frequent discussion about Parklen's future....and a three ring binder handed to every parent about to take their child into a bone marrow transplant. A binder filled with facts......a binder that will make your mommy tummy churn...... I have spent much time thumbing through the pages of this BMT book.....reading over risks, skimming through rules.....every moment realizing that if I EVER thought my life was har
Read more

Whats mine...

-
Image
 Writing is what I should've been doing every day for the last year and a half.  Writing is my escape... my joy.. my pleasure. But. It has been tainted. Turned around and become a fuel for my anxiety.  What if?  What if my words are misunderstood....what if people are offended by my thoughts, what if they think Im saying something I am not..... Again. What if.... There have been depths of pain the past few months that I have never known. And MY GOD ....thats saying something. and speaking of God..... I dont feel much like talking to Him lately.  I try  to. BUT  tears fill the spaces where the words should be. Nothing to say, but a billion WHY'S.... So tonight....I write for me.  I write....and I trust that these words are enough..LOUD enough for God to hear....and raw enough for them to count...as the prayer I cannot muster. So many stories of heartache and pain have been woven into the days, hours.... minutes....seconds of the passing months.  Stories....that most of which, ar
Read more