that feeling.....

- November 11, 2014

You know that feeling?
The one that comes when you neglect doing something that you love?!?

Like when it has been too long since my husband went fishing....
Or like too much time passing between baking sessions for my grandmother....
When Paysen hasn't drawn a picture for some time....
When Parklen hasn't talked about the Hulk....

Everyone has their something that gives them that feeling.....

Today I was parked outside of the school waiting for my second grader and it hit me.....
it hit hard....

It started in my gut and rose to my throat......
I was instantly filled to my brim with feelings.....
and I thought.... "What am I going to do with all of these feelings?"
and then I thought.... "Why have I not been writing?"
and, although I already knew the answers to the questions....I forced myself to run through them one by one......

Mostly I have not been writing because I haven't felt like it.
I haven't felt like doing much.....
because I have felt bad.

Physically,
emotionally,
and spiritually......

Do you get headaches?
I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that all people who go crazy...have headaches....
I have always had them.
always....
but lately they have ruled my world.....
and I am patiently(not at all) waiting as I slowly get them under control.

Emotionally I have been a little funky.....
why?
Maybe because the last year of my life was lived on pure adrenaline....
I rode the tides of crazy for over 12 months(6 years) and as life begins to slow itself a bit...I am still out there on that wave.....I go out to sea....I rush back to shore....
I thank God for His miracles and I beg him for more.....

Denver a couple of weeks ago was not exactly as I had hoped....
It went swimmingly enough but concluded with more of the same....
The entirety of the test results have yet to trickle in....
but my meet up with Parklen's doctor yielded itself to more unknown....
Parklen sure isn't doing bad....by no means is his health bad....
But Parklen is running in place....
His immunity cells are not producing what they could....
His immunity is not recovered....
He has waited a year to be told he was better....
a year to hear that he could gain more privileges....
only to hear.....
"Sorry....you just aren't there yet."

There are medical reasons that could explain his slow speed......
but it really isn't something that his doctor can explain with certainty...

in the river where he lives....he neither swims forward....nor does he fall back....
instead he treads....same place....not improving.....not declining....staying...

and this is tough to hear.

Looking at things from the outside might render a different scene....
why be worried?
Why be sad?
He isn't getting worse....

and that is true....

I suppose that the worry and frustration comes from all of the looking forward that we tend to do....
the looking forward to the one year mark....
the expectations....
the goals....
the hopes....

Probably also a lot from the looking back.....
I want Parklen to swim as far away from where he once was as possible.....
I don't want him hanging out close enough to fall behind.....

I don't want the staying to turn into the fading.....

But none of this has ever really been about what I want now has it?
And as much as I try to make it so.....
it isn't.

So.

Reality check for me again.....

Forcing myself to the place where I know I need to be....
Trusting in God.

Trusting that what will be will be.
Knowing that right now Parklen feels like a million bucks.....
and nothing....whether possible or not....should get in the way of enjoying that.

I have stories to tell....
and for me to be my best....I need to find the time to tell them
....... there are lots of them from the last few weeks....

But lets start with this....