Amanda and the Hendersons

I am pretty much behind....on everything. Work, Chores, To do lists, life.... I wake up each day with the best of intentions... and I go to bed each night feeling like Ive failed.. For months now.... Life happens that way sometimes. We struggle with measuring up...to even our own standards. Its a trap. And, although I know that God wants more for my life...I struggle still. The other day I woke up to a little boy who felt crummy... Something that's happened probably a thousand times.... over a couple of days, he felt worse. I woke up on Monday to a grey faced, lethargic Parklen... I loaded him up and headed to the doctor... and then to get labs drawn... and then back home. Once home, Parklen fell asleep quickly while I paced frantically back and forth, tightly clinching my phone...waiting for his doctor to call.  My mind racing back to years ago...and the panic set in. Parklen ended up being admitted into our local hospital.... Had our wind not been bl...

Three years. I spent my morning reading through messages and posts and stories from this day in 2013. I cannot believe its been three years. Then again....sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago. I can remember every ounce of raw emotion that I felt that day. I can remember the way my kids looked. The way Paysen handled the surgery, the recovery.  The way he looked so small in that hospital gown. His freckles and his teeth as he woke up after the procedure. I can remember when they wheeled him back onto the floor and the nurses clapped... I can remember the way Parklen couldn't stop staring at Paysen when we brought him into his room. His frail little body laying next to his hero in bed. The way he picked at his fingernails like he does when he's nervous.... and just watched his brother. I remember the way they giggled. I can see the room where Parklen lived.. The super hero window, the posters covering the walls. I can remember the doctors filling the ro...

Right now it is after midnight... The house is mostly quiet, the background rumble of the clothes in the dryer.... and the crime documentary playing softly across the room from me. Thats all I can hear... Everyone asleep... everyone but me. I laid down for a few minutes.... but quickly realized sleep was not ready to come. My mind is overflowing.... So. Many. Thoughts. A lot of the things floating around in my head tonight ....and yesterday , and last week .... I refuse to speak out loud. Many of them...I try to drown out with prayer..... silence them before they take me over....sometimes it works.... but they always come back. And to be honest....a lot of my prayers end in angry cries..... One thing seems to stack upon the next.... and the tower grows higher, and higher still.... Until something small, a feather.... taps it ever so slightly....and the pieces fall into my lap... tear soaked and messy. Each morning I wipe my lap cle...

 Did you ever have a hamster? I didn't...but a friend of mine grew up with any and every kind of pet you could imagine... hamster included.  I remember watching the hamster though the glass as it ran on the wheel placed within its enclosure. Running its tiny little heart out to go....nowhere.  If he had stopped running abruptly he would most certainly have fallen. So he just kept on running...on those tiny legs...around and around. Until, one can only assume..he became too tired...and he would begin to slow...slower and slower still...until it was safe to stop...or jump out.    I am sitting in the hospital room right now....Parklen asleep just feet away. His medication pumping in through his port...with only the sound of his IV pump as my company.  And all I can think about, is that stupid hamster... who by the way, I am pretty sure escaped his cage and ended up dead in the clothes dryer....(irrelevant...)  back to the point.... I feel like I...

I was walking through the store the other day... Everywhere I looked there was someone pushing a cart full of school supplies. Notebooks, Pencils, Glue sticks, Backpacks..... My eyes darted from cart to cart...and I fought back tears... Devan walked ahead of me...unaware of my impending breakdown. Just people...probably mostly parents... buying supplies... for school. No big deal...right? All I could think about though... was how I would be shopping for only one boy to return to school this year. Because, we have all that we need for Parklen to have school here at the house... Our basement doesn't require special supplies... I had such high hopes three years ago...when we entered into transplant... my hopes for a new life for Parklen grew as he smashed through chemo and the receiving of his brother's cells.... When he got to go home much earlier than anticipated...they grew again. It was a thought always in the back of my head...but each time he flew ove...

I reached across his chest and helped slide the belt into the buckle.... Our eyes met. Bravely, with an undertone of sadness...he said, "I just don't want to do this stuff anymore." I smiled and choked down the tears that were threatening to make their appearance.. "I know baby, me neither." I walked around the backside of the car and climbed into my own seat. Deep breaths helped me to belt myself into place.  I rolled down the window and pasted a smile. There in the yard was my nine year old. Pressing himself against the fence, his freckled face showing his feelings.  The whites of his eyes turning quickly red. His forced smile, a lot like mine...beginning to fade. "Bye mommy, I love you." I look further and see my baby. She sits in the arms of my mom...on the porch that leads to my home. She waves her chubby fingers at me and screams about how much she will miss me. Her eyes also filled with tears. Earlier that morning she had whispered, ...

It was a few weeks ago, The kids were tucked nicely into their beds and I plopped down on the couch next to Devan. I pulled out my computer and my planner... and began to mark down the to do's  for the summer... The boys baseball games, weddings to photograph, appointments to attend, summer school, piano practises..... Our usual summer wish list of things we hope to do. The schedule quickly started to fill up.   As I glanced over the first page I noticed that many of the boys games were on the same nights...at the same times... I sighed loudly as I looked over to Devan, "How am I going to manage all of this by myself? How will I be able to see them both play?"   I was seriously stressed out about it. I tend to do this... find something.... obsess over it....   It was the first year that Parklen would be playing a sport. He had chosen baseball...which was delightful to me, because it just happens to be my favorite. He was super adorable wa...

There is very little that is quite the same.....as mothering a daughter... Three years have flown by in the blink of an eye. My little pixie... convinced that she can do anything... and I will never convince her otherwise... She is funny, She is smart, Clever, and sweet. She loves to tell stories of make believe.... She is best friends with an imaginary Dinosaur named Gracie..(I couldn't make this up) She prefers to play by herself or with her "Parks" (Parklen) instead of with kids her own age.... She spends hours a day making pretend pancakes in her tiny kitchen. She loves to mother her baby dolls... Sing, Dance.... She can melt your heart with her tiny voice. "Dance with me mom" Spinning circles in the living room.... She holds her daddy's heart. The key to her brother's insanity.... She offers my greatest challenges each day, and my sweetest rewards at night when I tuck her in (who am I kidding...she never sleeps) as she ...

"It has been a day......" I thought to myself as I slumped down into the couch... The kids finally tucked into their beds, and the first moment of silence for the day rang calmly in my ears.... The moment of peace quickly faded as the list of worries  quickly found their place at the forefront of my mind.... constant. Ever present.... It has been more than a day..... There is an elephant that smiles down at me as he perches himself upon my chest....as if to say, "Yes, I'm still here..." Although, I already know this to be true...because the weight .....oh the weight...is hard to bear... Each breath feels heavy and hard to grasp.... and why?!?! Not one reason....but many. The worry resides... The ever present companion.... The unknown... I yearn for a breath so deep... for the weight to be lifted. and Yet, I struggle. Too much swimming through the rivers of my mind to convey... too deep of waters to wade... I pray for relief...

Three years ago I was about 7 months pregnant. I had just returned home after spending a good amount of time with Parklen down in the hospital. He had spent time in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, Struggling to breathe and fighting...yet again for his life. There was a certain instance that occurred during this time that replays in my mind time and time again... The teams of doctors that had known Parklen for many years and the teams that had just been brought aboard were struggling to find solutions to the problem that was Parklen's health. They were all running in circles, trying to communicate their own skill set...trying to apply their own speciality to his case.  It reminded me of those stationary pools the you see on infomercials late at night when you can't find sleep...where the swimmer is swimming their hardest, but the current is working so hard against them, that they remain in the same place. I was fragile during this time. Pregna...