Thursday, May 26, 2011

Why?

This post will, no doubt, be completely random. . . .as to match the randomness of my thoughts lately.

I have been thinking about things this week, things that are hard to think about.  I try to stay away from the down thoughts. . . .try not to ask the dreaded question.. . . . . . Why?

Parklen and I have been in Denver this week......in the hospital since yesterday.  He has been through so much in his 3 short years.....so much.  I watch him struggle with different things in life, things that Paysen does with out a problem.  I watch him go through days when he feels sick and does little more than lay around.  I have seen him have days when he feels better and sucks every bit out of life. 





Our last family hike was cut short because Parky didn't feel well, you can always tell by looking at his eyes, and if you miss that cue. . .you can't miss the crying.  He was ready to go almost as soon as we loaded him into the pack.

 Paysen loves adventure....he gets so excited about hiking or biking or anything really.  He is always sad when we have to leave early or cancel things because Parky doesn't feel well, I believe that one day he will understand.....one day he wont get mad.  I do have fears that he will grow up with anger towards his brother.  I know he has to wonder why...........
 Sometimes Parky has a hard time keeping up with Paysen......his cough, and breathing can keep him a few steps behind.......
But when he catches up his excitement overflows.....................He loves his brother.  When they are together he is almost like a little Parrot, repeating every word that comes from Paysen, this is too funny and reminds me of the brothers from the Sandlot......WHICH, is one of the boys favorite movies and they will throw you some quotes if you ask!

 We drive by the Sanfords restaurant a few times a day, the giant statues outside are so exciting for the boys....they have wanted to go FOREVER and ask every single day.......finally we went, they wanted photos with every single statue outside....You can see that Parky isn't so sure about this one.
 Like I said, I have seen Parky go through a ton of stuff, one thing has stayed consistent....he has always kept his spirit.  This trip has robbed him of his spirit.      I have never seen my baby so sad.  I have never been unable to make him smile.....he has never pushed me away from a kiss.  He cant talk well right now, so he just whispers to me "leave me alone mom."       OUCH, it hurts.  It hurts to see him this way, hurts to be the one who drives him down to the hospital....and inevitably to this pain.  It hurts because I don't understand....I don't understand why.   I cant understand why he has to continue on this path, I cant understand why I have to leave Paysen behind......

I will never know why my baby is sick, I will never know why. But I do know that its probably better that I don't worry about why.  All I can do is focus on my tasks.....love my family, take care of my children, make each of them feel special and important......and let others see that I love God.  And that no matter what is put in my path, that I trust Him, even when I don't understand why.

3 comments:

  1. Parklen is blessed to have you as his mom...maybe God gave you this challenge because he knew you were strong enough to handle it. You are an amazing mom, always have been & always will be :) Give him lots of love for me!

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  2. Every time I read your blog, you bring tears to my eyes! I don't understand what you are going through and I wish I could! You are so brave! Your boys are the most blessed children ever! You are a wonderful mom! They will look back on their childhood and know they were loved! You are doing what you have to do to keep Parky safe and healthy and you are doing everything you can to be there for Paysen and Deven too! Lots of prayers going to you! Love you!

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  3. You definetly tug at my heart with your blogs. I have no idea what it would be like to go through such heartache on such a consistent basis but my heart-aches for your family; but also smiles for the love and support you have found in the Lord! I wish you and your sweet boys the very best. I will be thinking of you and praying for you. Although we have gone our separate ways as time has gone on I am not far away and would love to help you in any way needed/wanted.

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