Tuesday, November 15, 2011


Maybe its because I feel like the past three years were so tough, or that I didn't get the chance to "just" be 25, 26, or 27 but turning 28 next week is freaking me out. (I'm sure the majority is because its almost 30)

Life is just so funny.  I can remember looking down the road and deciding what I wanted for my life and taking certain steps to make it happen....guess what Amanda, you are NOT in control.  Don't let the whole "you control your own destiny" bit fool you....its rubbish.

I chose my husband as he chose me, and seriously I believed that life would go as I had planned....far from the truth, we decided how many children we would have (it was 4 by the way...in case you forgot Devan) Where we would live, what we would do.

It took an earth rattling shake for me to realize that life is nothing that you can plan....this is a super great thing to accept while you are still floating above water, instead of waiting until a wave comes crashing in for a drowning attempt like I did.  In my case it was wave upon wave upon wave...and I would be a HUGE liar if I said the waves have stopped.  They are relentless.

I had my faith, I had my beliefs but they had never been tested.  So now, looking back, I don't think they were really real. It wasn't until I had nothing left but God himself to cling to that I realized he is driving this life boat at ALL times.  I have lost so much in the past three years, SO much.  Believe me when I say, I should be Divorced, and crazy as according to this world's view.  But I'm not.  (The "crazy" part is really debatable, it would probably depend on who you ask.)

The losses I have faced in the past three years don't even compare to what I have gained.....maturity, faith, experience, friends, and a Three year old little boy......who is HERE. 

Yeah, If I look at photos from age 24 and compare them with ones today...I can see the stress written clearly on my face. It appears as though there has been ten years between the photos, not three...but, what can I change about this? nothing. 

So, as I am writing all this down....I realize that I can stop whining about the upcoming birthday. And smile as I turn a year older....after all, its just another day. And how blessed am I to be alive, so bring it on.....

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