Thursday, March 8, 2012
I have been talking to Parklen about this procedure for a month now, going over each step time and time again.....
When the time came for me to carry him back to surgery, I suited up and prepared for the fit.....it never came. I held him as we walked back to the Operating Room. When we got in, I squeezed his guts and he mine....I laid him on the table and he tightened his grip on my hand. He laid right down.....He looked at me and smiled as they put the mask over his tiny little face. I braced myself then...I knew when he smelled the gas he would lose it.....I was wrong...I was taken away through his gaze....staring deep into his eyes, mine filled with tears....he wasn't scared. From across the table I heard the anaesthesiologist's words, "OK, Parklen lets breathe deeply now...." and he did. He was asleep without a single tear.
It has taken far too many surgeries for him to reach this point of bravedom....however, he is here. Welcome Parklen, to the Big world....the one where things that are scary don't have to be so.....Where you can maintain a sense of courage when you are afraid....Where we understand that sometimes things are hard, but necessary....and nothing is quite as bad as your imagination can make it to be..
I can tell you right now, I have been through some stuff with this kid....and more than the average Mama Duties.....that being said, This port bothers me. You know, I can manage being pooped on, vomited on, bled on, being covered in snot, ear goop.... I can do the meds....handle the hospital, deal with surgeries......but when they put something INSIDE my child....it freaks me out.
Three years ago when they did his first PICC line..(an access point in the arm that has a catheter reaching through his arm all the way to his chest) The nurse was explaining the procedure to me, shaking around the example catheter as she spoke...all of a sudden the blood left my face....heat replaced it and I nearly fainted.
I have sat awake at nights for a month now obsessing over this port. Its just the thing that crosses my tolerance line. Why is it so gross? I don't know....maybe because it doesn't belong there...maybe because he's gonna just be walking around with something in his chest.....maybe because they cut him open and shoved in a chunk of plastic type material and sewed him back up....YEAH I have NOOOO idea why it bothers me......(vent complete....for now)
This saying resides on the wall of our room....I stared at it forever last night...Id say there is some wisdom in these words....
Thank you for always praying for my family....God answer's each one.....I Believe with my whole heart that prayer is what made this day easy on Parklen....and prayer is what is going to keep me from throwing up and passing out every time I look at his chest.....:) So keep em' up folks!