I write.....

-
I have been keeping my distance from the blog lately.....
the reason may not be a sound one....
but it is a reason nonetheless.

It started with a nonchalant remark.....
"Well, now that Parklen is home....I suspect you don't have much to be writing on the blog about   anymore."

The words weren't meant to hurt,
they were innocent enough...
but they cut me deep.

My life,
our life....
even Parklen's life....
is bigger than Parklen and his BMT journey.....

but maybe the rest isn't worth reading.......
maybe the rest of my thoughts,
feelings,
experiences.....
are to remain inside of me.

I have spun this over in my head for a couple weeks now.
and you know what?

I realize that there are a lot of people who read this blog,
a lot of friends, family and strangers that take the time to read the words what I write....
and I am so thankful for that,
but this blog started with two readers.....
my husband and one friend who encouraged me to start it in the first place......
two people....
and I wrote anyway....

I wrote and write because it fulfills a part of me that is so deeply inside that nothing else can reach it....
I write because the words have to get out....
because the force of them within me is too powerful!
I write because,
when nothing else is in my control,
my words are.

When I cannot change the terrible things that happen,
I can take them and carefully weave them into a story...
When I cannot contain the happiness that I feel....
I can paint a picture with my words.....

I write because it is who I am.
and although I don't receive a paycheck for this work that I do,
I am given the gift of fulfillment....

There has been so many things that have happened to me,
around me,
through me....

I have been forever changed through difficult circumstances,
through the experience of simple joys found only after deep heartache...

So.
I am still going to write....
I am still going to fill the pages of this blog....
because my life, our life....Parklen's life....
is still happening....

and in some ways,
it is only just beginning....

and I promise....
there is still much to tell.

This is only the forward of our new story....




Comments

  1. AnonymousFebruary 26, 2014 at 10:08 PM

    God bless you, continue to follow your heart and God will see you through and give you many more blessings that can not be taken away by all the other negativity in the world right now.

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownFebruary 27, 2014 at 7:14 AM

    I think you should publish all this in a book Amanda. It would be much help to many!

    John

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousFebruary 27, 2014 at 9:02 AM

    You have a gift Amanda! God gave you that gift of expression and he WANTS you to share it. Love & Hugs

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousFebruary 27, 2014 at 8:52 PM

    I have missed your writing...but hoped it was because having 3 healthy children just kept you too busy :) - not that someone else had stepped on you. Blogs are meant to be personal - you should write what you want, when you want, BECAUSE you want. I hope you continue to do what is best for you and your family. If that means continuing to write, I will continue to follow your story. If that means not writing, I will miss you.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

{zero}

-
Image
Today will go down in the books as the longest day ever........ Day Zero. Transplant day. The new beginning. We started the festivities this morning at 4:00 AM......After just going to bed a couple of hours earlier, this was pretty early!!!! Paysen and I headed down to check in for his surgery....you could see the nerves on his face, I could feel them in his tiny hand that I held with in mine.. He had been looking toward this surgery for over a month. There had been so many delays, I can only imagine the things that were going on in My big boy's head...... He mustered the strength to show a brave face, however difficult. We checked him in and headed up. He took comfort in having both parents present for him. He listened as the "Sleep doctor" told of what she would do..... as we watched him we could see the clock ticking, he was growing more nervous. Paysen had a traumatic event in the operating room. It was the worst thing I have witnessed before a s
Read more

26 days.............

-
Image
Twenty six days ago I loaded the Honda up with enough stuff for a one day trip to Denver....... Four Wednesdays, Four weekend visits with our other half....624 hours.....Twenty six days....and Parklen, Phinlynn and I are still here. Parklen's illness has seemed to steadily increase...as time has gone on, each flare up has outdone the last.  This was the worst one yet.  This one made him sicker than he has been,  this one caused concern in everyone that knows Parklen.  This stay in the hospital included a tiny infant to nurse and care for.....this stay included frequent discussion about Parklen's future....and a three ring binder handed to every parent about to take their child into a bone marrow transplant. A binder filled with facts......a binder that will make your mommy tummy churn...... I have spent much time thumbing through the pages of this BMT book.....reading over risks, skimming through rules.....every moment realizing that if I EVER thought my life was har
Read more

Whats mine...

-
Image
 Writing is what I should've been doing every day for the last year and a half.  Writing is my escape... my joy.. my pleasure. But. It has been tainted. Turned around and become a fuel for my anxiety.  What if?  What if my words are misunderstood....what if people are offended by my thoughts, what if they think Im saying something I am not..... Again. What if.... There have been depths of pain the past few months that I have never known. And MY GOD ....thats saying something. and speaking of God..... I dont feel much like talking to Him lately.  I try  to. BUT  tears fill the spaces where the words should be. Nothing to say, but a billion WHY'S.... So tonight....I write for me.  I write....and I trust that these words are enough..LOUD enough for God to hear....and raw enough for them to count...as the prayer I cannot muster. So many stories of heartache and pain have been woven into the days, hours.... minutes....seconds of the passing months.  Stories....that most of which, ar
Read more