Thursday, March 12, 2015

a look......

The last few days have been filled with memories.  Memories of days passed....

They started to flood in the other night when I was up with Parklen for most of the night, he had some bone pain caused by growing and a life time of steroids.....he was unable to sleep and I found myself comforting him in the middle of the night.  I was so tired and could barely keep my heavy lids open, but through squinted eyes, I saw Parklen looking at me.  He looks at me differently than any other human on this earth....and the look is something that pierces straight to my heart.  He was looking at me as I tried all I could to ease his pain.....and he whispered, "I love you mom."  and my heart remembered.......

Remembered the years I spent easing his pain,
the sleepless nights when I lay with my hand upon his chest, waiting for each breath....

Remembered the tears,
the cries...

Remembered the nightly vomit,
the daily fevers....

I remembered the middle of the nights....
the early mornings.....

The prayers.....
The begging for God to heal my son.

Every moment spent with him has had the same look......the look that tells me that its all worth it.
That, even if no other person ever knows the moments I have spent by Parklen's side, he knows.....

He may grow up and forget....he may never remember our quiet moments.....
but I always will.

I cannot help but think about where he has been.

I think of it every day.

He wasn't just sick for a little while.
he was fighting for a long time.....
and he fights still.....

The battles are becoming easier....
as he becomes stronger....
but he fights still.....

And in the still of the night,
I remember where we have been.

And the moments are woven together....
My yesterdays form my today's....
and today leads to tomorrow.

Nothing can happen in my life that can take away those memories.....
The ones of a little boy, who needed me....and the way he looked at me when I answered his calls.....

Parklen needs more of Paysen's cells.
He is not yet complete.....
and later this month Paysen will give those to him.....
because Parklen was blessed with a brother that is brave.....
a brother that knows what it means to give.....


Remembering hurts....
more times than not,
when my heart catches glimpses of the past 6 years, I cry....
I cry because there is nothing else to be done....
because words cannot do the memories justice....
because no amount of explanation could map out our journey to this point.....

and when I cry,
I pray.

I pray that I never forget.
That I never lose the memories.
That, even if they hurt, they continue to be my guide.....

Remembering helps me to keep focus on whats important.....
to take each moment granted to me as a gift.

And to remember that,
every day is something to celebrate.....

Parklen read me a story tonight....
the tears would not stop,
and as he read the words from the pages, he looked up at me with that look.....
and both of us knew.....just how big of a deal it was.

He followed his reading with a run around the room and jumps across the floor....
He read the book to his brother....and jumped some more....

Each day.
Every moment....
Every word spoken or page turned.....
gifts.
Don't pass up the opportunity to see them as such....

The greatest moments are sometimes stitched together with tears and smiles....
and often..
a look.




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