Thursday, August 27, 2015

Spinning....

It would seem that sometimes life takes us where we are not ready to go.
Life keeps moving when we would rather it stood still....
Like a child spinning round and round until they are too dizzy to stand....
Life can be that way.


When we hiked earlier this month....Parklen spent time running....


My life is that way.

You pray for something for so long....
and then it almost surprises you when the answer arrives....

The cells that Paysen gave to his brother at the beginning of summer....
Those glorious little cells...
You know the ones...
Well, it seems they were given in vain....
They did not complete the job they were intended for...
They did not work.
They had no effect on Parklen's being.

Devastating.

The hours Paysen spent in preparation....
the time he spent with a needle in his arm....
The tears he cried.
The fears he felt...

All for nothing....

I cannot even bring myself to tell him.
because it hurts my heart,
and I know it will hurt his too.

Where do we go from here?
Its possible that they will take more cells from Paysen down the road....
In a more invasive way....to achieve a better result.
How do I even entertain this in my head.....
I can't

I have to focus on other things....
Be thankful that I was given a child that is willing to help his brother out....in huge ways....no matter the outcome.

I have to focus on the fact that Parklen's doctors (in spite of my biggest fears)
have decided Parklen should go to school.

So, there it is....the prayer I have prayed....
the prayer I have asked you to pray....
"Let Parklen be a boy...."
and next week, he will be a boy that goes to school.

He will start out slow....a few hours each day....and hopefully work up to a full day!

I cannot lie.
I hate this.
This answered prayer...the one I asked for....
It is plaguing me.
Sending my glass egg...
into the world of children and germs and the uncertain.

I am sure it can mostly be blamed on the fact that I have seen it all....every moment in which Parklen has fought....and I feel uneasy about test results and data....and little things I notice more and more each day.....

But.

Sometimes life requires us to spin uncontrollably.
and then try and stand....
dizzy and shaken from the journey....
Sometimes you have to just close your eyes and trust....as you regain your footing.

Sometimes, you just have to send your kid to school.

Tears welled in my eyes today as a reporter doing a story on the boys, asked Parklen, "What makes you nervous about going to school?"  and he replied, "I will be away from my mommy."

Me too buddy....


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