ok.....

I can remember dropping Paysen off at kindergarten like it was yesterday.
My heart cried a little....
and butterflies fluttered about in my belly.
I felt sad and happy all at once....
scared and hopeful wrapped together.

and when I walked away from him that day,
I cried.
But my tears slowed quickly....
because I knew.
I knew that, although I would miss him dearly,
although he was growing far too quickly,
and although I would love to keep him small forever....
He would be ok.

I knew that Paysen would be ok.
I knew that he would make friends and learn,
I knew that there was nothing in that school that would destroy him...
He would be ok.

Every year I drop him at school....

and every year I shed some tears....
I cry because I know that the moment is fleeting...
that before long he will be grown,
I cry because I like him as well as love him....and I miss him during the day.

But when I drive away from dropping him off.....
I wipe my tears,
because I know.....
he will be ok.

This morning I dropped Paysen,
a third grader now....
I hugged and kissed him....
and smiled as I said goodbye....
The tears came as I left...
but I slowed them with one simple thought...
he will be ok.

As noon quickly approached...
my heart became heavy...
the weight increasing each time I looked at the clock....
Parklen...ever giddy and excited, came to me every few minutes..."is it time?"
and when it was, we loaded up.

I opted for  the long route to the school...praying for each light to turn red.

Hoping for a train, or something.....
As we pulled up in front of the school, I quieted my heart.
Determined to hide my emotions from Parklen.
A few photos by the school sign, and then we were off....
Hand in hand, we walked through the doors...
the doors to the school of which I have been many times.
I signed in and Parklen smiled...

Down the hall we went...
I felt him squeeze my hand tightly as we came closer to his classroom....
I knew he was nervous.
He hung up his backpack and found his seat.....marked with his name...
I watched for a few minutes....unable to physically leave him. I couldn't.

I knew I was on the verge, when the kid seated next to him shoved all ten of his fingers inside of his own mouth and then leaned over to touch Parklen's shirt....
Placing his slobbery face less than an inch from Parklen's
I watched a moment longer.....
I sucked it up and went in for a hug....kissed his precious face....and said "goodbye"
A few words with his teacher and they started to come...
the tears....
I walked quickly....
trying hard to beat their falling....
Passing friendly faces in the hall only made them come faster....
I avoided conversation....
Once the door had closed behind me I lost it.

I have cried a lot in my life...
I have been given more than enough reasons to....
but, I have rarely cried this hard.

I sat in my car for a few moments...
sobbing uncontrollably...

I couldn't quiet the fears...
I could not slow the tears....

I tried.

but the thing is....
Parklen is different....
and as much as Paysen will be....
I cannot say about Parklen, "he will be ok."
because, I don't know if he will....
I just don't know....

Usually God fills my heart with peace, and I am able to accept difficult situations....
but as much as I pray....
the peace about leaving Parklen today, has not come.
It wasn't there yesterday, or last week, or this morning....
it wasn't there as I finally shut off the water pouring from my swollen eyes long enough to drive home...
and it isn't there now.

I don't feel excited...
I don't feel at ease....

I search, and I search for words,
but there are none.
There is nothing I could say,
that would describe what I am feeling right now.


Parklen was excited to go....
I pray that when I pick him up each day...
he is ok.

Its all I want....
for him to make it through this...
and be ok.

I just want him to be ok.