Amanda and the Hendersons

Traditions..... I am one who holds tight to traditions. Like white knuckle tight. I love them I love the certainty and the assurance that comes from the known. In the world I have lived in for many years, often the unknown drives the car. So any little bits of known that I can hold onto, I do. Many years ago, when Paysen was about 3 or so..we started a tradition. He was old enough to realize when I was leaving with Parklen to the hospital, and old enough to know that neither of us knew how long we'd be apart. I have visions of his face as I would pull out of town, fear, sadness, tears. So one morning, whilst loading my suitcase into the car I had an idea. I took out a black sharpie and I drew a small heart on his wrist and then placed a copy on mine. I held it up and said, "Now when you look at this you will know I am looking at mine too...you can remember how much I love you and miss you. It can be a small way to keep us together while w...

I have spent some time in reflection over the last few months, deep deep reflection....wading the waters of feelings and resting on the shore of faith.... Recent happenings in our world have really thrown me to the waves of uncertainty...the salty waters of anxiety and the crashing waters of fear..... I am sure I am not alone in this. I imagine many mommas out there struggling. Talking with a "hospital friend," the other day, although a short conversation...brought me much comfort. She said it best, this is PTSD.....this is just like what we've lived. The current demands on our country, feel a lot like taking care of a sick kiddo.....hearing the news talk about social distancing takes me swiftly back to Parklen's sickest days.... Days when we didn't allow visitors into our home, Parklen's kindergarten teacher wore a mask and gloves and scrubbed things down before she could sit with him for his schooling..... We had a station where we all cleaned up r...

Ive been replaying this past year in my mind. Like a reel of an old movie, the pictures quickly passing by. It's a mostly bad movie. Critics would give it at least one thumb down. Its certainly not going to win any awards... I have been trying to figure out what, or why...the year was so hard.... and its come down to this... Belonging. I thought I did....or was trying so hard to... but I don't. I do not belong... in a specific group, in a specific place.. here, or there... I just don't. This realization has left a bitter taste in my mouth and an ache deep in my gut. But its truth. If you dissect that word belong ... you can clearly see the word long...   Belonging...longing. I want to...belong. I crave that inclusion... but reality is often different than our desires. On a girls trip this fall there was a discussion about the first time I left my kids for a weekend away.. it was almost 2 years ago, and they were losing their minds. They cr...

We spend so much of our lives trying to find something... Small things.... Our keys, A missing shoe... The right turn, The remote control..... Bigger Things... Our purpose... Our spouse... Our faith... All of these are things I have searched for....some, many times... There are feelings that come with searching... Excitement, fear, frustration.... Sometimes desperation.... And when we find the thing....we often find relief....a sense of peace.. Its hard when we lose something...am I right?!?! We've all been there? As mothers, especially....Because we aren't only in charge of the things we've lost...but a whole family worth of things fall into our responsibility.... When you have multiple kids you have multiple chances to look for things... One kiddo can't find their shoe, its time to leave for school...there is running and screaming and searching and often tears..You juggle the search with trying to keep everyone else from losing something...

Do you remember being a kid and learning to swim? I was thinking recently about how hard this test was for me....Swimming did not come natural...at all. I remember being in my swim classes and watching as the kids around me were confident and ready....easy to teach and fast to learn... I watched as they laughed...and splashed....and swam ... All the while, I clinched my white knuckles around the side of the pool...afraid to loosen my grip.  When I would finally release my grasp, one finger at a time... I would struggle...in every way. It was terrifying. I can see my scrawny arms and legs kicking frantically and flailing about, the ebb and flow of the water coming and going toward my face.....the heavy feeling of impending doom...I just could not get it. I failed plenty of classes....and yet my mom continued to sign me up...hoping eventually I would get it. The knot that forms when you fear you will drown is unmistakable. It's a feeling all its own. To look at everyone...

5 years. I just cannot believe that it's true. It doesn't seem possible. 5 years is such a long time...Its almost as though a few lifetimes have passed since that day. Can you remember what you were doing 5 years ago? I remember each moment....like they were yesterday. The day that Parklen received Paysen's life saving gift of marrow. Parklen has now lived as long after as he did before . Day zero  is the center point of his existence thus far. The thing that all of his pain led him to.... and the moment that has made every moment since possible. Life today isn't what I thought it might be back then. As we trudged forward toward the transplant....believing in faith that Parklen would make it to the other side..... No, life isn't exactly how I had imagined..... But the heartache that would have been without that day....cannot be measured. You kind of paint an unattainable image of how the years to come will look. When you’re faced with such an i...

Life is full of seasons... Winter, spring, summer and fall... Childhood, teenage years and adulthood... and about a million others lived within those all.... I am in a season. A season that has placed me where I would rather not be. With the gift of four children, I expected some chaos...some exhaustion... I never imagined what my life has become. Exhausted. Tired. Insecure. Disorganized. I can honestly say that most moments that have happened since our latest sweetie was born, I remember close to none of them. Our baby cried. And not like a baby cries....but cried constantly. For at least 20 hours a day.....he cried.  Being the mother of Parklen, I was worried. I thought for sure he was sick or something terrible was happening....  The doctor assured me.... colic. He had colic. I don't know what you know about colic...but it was designed by the devil...to attack a mother and family while they are vulnerable... expecting the sweet sensation of a newborn...