Tuesday, May 8, 2012
I have attempted to write this post more than a few times......each time ending with tears on my keyboard and puffy eyes.
Sometimes I find the words so hard to find.....The words that can capture my feelings just right. I love being a mother, It is all I ever wanted and more......I just didn't imagine the "kind" of mother I would actually be...................
Parklen turned four on Saturday.....this is a fact that I have avoided saying out loud and even thinking. Its so crazy to me. Crazy because four is pretty old.....crazy because at one point we didn't know if he would make it to one....crazy because the past four years have been the toughest IN. MY. LIFE. Parklen's birthday marks a lot of things for me. Not only do I celebrate the very existence of my tiny miracle......I also reflect on the mountains and valleys that God has brought us through.
My emotions have been a roller coaster the past couple of weeks.....and not a good kind of roller coaster, instead, the kind that makes you barf..... :0)
I am struggling with feelings of failure, the time I have spent dedicated to Parklen's illness is time I have spent unfocused on Paysen. Paysen has but one week of Pre school left......he is going to start kindergarten in just a few short months and I just cant help but feel like he has been left out, more than he should have been....and I feel like my time with him is slipping away. My days of being at home with him are numbered and my guilt rises in my throat if I think of this for too long.
I am struggling with mental and physical exhaustion......God is the only reason I am able to even wake each morning......I am just pooped.
But for this week, I am struggling most with Parklen. He is four. He is growing up. I am so proud of the success he has had and the trials he has conquered. He is an inspiration to many. As we head to Denver this afternoon, for yet another procedure....I am choosing to ignore (for the moment) that there is no end in sight.....for treatments, for procedures, for sickness. Instead I am going to focus on the very blessing of this human life.
Parklen, a boy who has been through more than he should have been.....
A boy who is so stubborn,
A boy who loves so hard,
A boy who cries, because its all he can do,
A boy who captures hearts of all who meet him,
A boy who holds a great chunk of my heart in his tiny, maple syrup covered fingers.
A boy who is four.
A boy who is older than some thought he would ever be.
Thank you God for this child.....for the lessons learned through his "being" for the joy to call him my son.........For the strength you continually give me, to love and care for him beyond all that I see possible.
Parklen loves bugs....I often find him digging in dirt to capture a creature...once even finding him and his brother trying to catch a BLACK WIDOW. So "bugs" was a natural choice for his Party.