So it goes. . .

We have been home for a few days, and it has been chaotic. 

We found out that Paysen has to get glasses after he failed a screening at pre-school. . . .he was so cute at the eye doctor, the doc even said that he was the best 4 year old he had ever had.  He is excited to wear glasses (which cracks me up) I am excited that I only had to pay 20 dollars for the insurance that replaces them when he breaks them. 

Parky has been up and down since leaving the hospital, today is a really down day.  He has been sobbing most of the morning with no resolve.  You can just look at him and know he hurts.  There is nothing I can do. . .just hold him.  Paysen grows tired of the crying and in turn has his own meltdowns that include crying and hitting and screaming. . .hard to explain to a 4 year old. 

I heard from one of the Denver docs the other day, they haven't a clue what to do about the mass that was found in Parklen's colon.  He said that they are talking with doctors from around the country trying to decide the next step.  The waiting is hard.

Parky catching a soak in the hospital. . .they wrap his IV in a plastic bag. . .but you cant keep a boy from dunking his arm. . .plastic bag was no protection for that little IV.  This was his first hospitalization where he didn't pull any IV'S out. . .usually there are multiple. 

You get desperate when you are 2 and stuck in a room for days.  He raced around the room with this helicopter for hours. .also filled it with crayons. . . .

 We were happy to spend a couple days at Grandpa's.  He likes to pretend that he is grumpy all the time, but we know better. . . .he makes us breakfast and dinner and the boys just love him.  I love being there and that I don't have to cook. . . . .

Paysen is my artist, he can draw a picture of anything, and he can write like a 6 year old.  He loves to color and his imagination amazes me. 

Such concentration going on when he is "working"  This little bug melts my heart.  He will always be my first boy, he will always be the little man who changed my world forever and he will always be my bug.

I miss him so much when Parky and I have to go south. . .its not a fair thing for any of us.  Sometimes life isn't fair, and by sometimes I mean every day.  Fairness isn't something that happens a lot.  Focusing on what is fair and how you have been victim to the opposite will eat you up.  I don't think its fair whats happened to Parky, I don't think its fair that I have to drive away from my big boy so often, I don't think its fair the things that Devan and I have been through. . . but I choose. . I choose how to deal.  I can think of my "injustice" to no end, I can feel bad for myself, my family, my boys. . . I can dwell on the wrong.  But I wont.  I will, instead concentrate of what I have. ....and I have a lot.