Friday, June 22, 2012

hope.



Wow, that was quite a break I took from blogging.  I have to be honest....I have been really busy, REALLY.  I have been spending most of my time doing shoots, editing shoots, scheduling shoots and editing shoots.  I am not complaing a bit.  This is like a dream come true for me.  If I have had any extra time, I have tried to fill it with something, all to avoid thinking about the things that I do not want to think about. 






After our last Denver trip we stopped for a weekend of camping.  What a wonderful time for our family.  There was toad hunting, frog catching, fishing, running, playing, singing, swimming and fun.  It was what my heart needed right then. 

I have spent a couple weeks only talking with Denver twice.  I have spent a couple weeks trying to maintain a sense of calm.  I have been floating on a cloud of avoidance.....trying my hardest to feel "normal."   

Tonight, as I sat at my kitchen table....it all unraveled.  A simple email....99 words long.....had the power to bring me back down.  Down to the place of fear....the place where my thoughts usually reside.  A place that forms lumps in my throat and knots in my gut.  I hate this place.

The summary of the email is this....
                              Hi Amanda, We have been speaking with the research hospital, they dont believe that they need to see Parklen, and all the sugestions that they have are to keep doing what were doing....possibly try a different daily drug.  THE END.

There isnt a stitch of hope offered in the email that I keep reading over and over and over again....hopeing that maybe I will find some encouragement that I am missing.  Its not there.

How do I do this?  How do I contiue to give my child medicine every single day, to drive 5 hours to treatments...that, at some point may or may not help him.  How do I contiue to wedge a huge block of discontent between me and Paysen, causing his anger to grow each time I take his brother to the hospital. How? 

My heart hurts....for many reasons this week.  Right now, I am searching the very deepest part of myself....looking for the glimmer of hope that I know resides within me....somewhere.  I know that God will bring the hope....as I pray, It. will. come.  Wating for hope is sometimes the hardest. 

I know that the plan for my llife and Parklen's life and Paysen's life and Devan's is not a waste.  I know that somehow God is working in this situation and every other that we face.  Knowing that, keeps me looking for the hope, forces me to refuse to give up or give in. 

My hometown lost two very young people this week.  When young people go, it makes you think.  Your last day, could be any day.  I will remember this....today and every other day that I am blessed to breathe. 

Prayers go out to people hurting, Prayers for Peace. 

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