Sunday, December 8, 2013

loss....

So.....

I had about a billion things that I wanted to get out....
tons of things to pound out on this key board.....but as I sit here now, they don't seem so pressing......
The weekend went by....
Our family was together.....
and although that was the case....

My mind is filled with the events of Friday.....
I cannot push the thoughts from my head.

I struggle with sadness.....with guilt....with guilt for feeling guilt.....with guilt for feeling so sad when none of what happened has one thing to do with me.....it isn't about me.
I am not the mother who had to watch her son slip away.....
I didn't have to give him one last kiss.....
I wast forced to pack my baby's things.....head home....

I am just haunted.....
I can see his mother's face....
I can hear her laugh....
I can remember her words...."He is going to just have so much fun with your boys once we get him feeling better......"

It is times like this when praying seems like a loss......
I can pray for comfort for this family.....
I can pray that this small boy's parents find peace in this life....
I can try to find the right words to say to God......
but the truth is, there are none.

There is nothing that words can convey that would make a difference or even make sense.....
That's where my faith must step in.....
Faith in believing that God hears my heart.......
Faith that says that sometimes just being quiet.....is the best prayer.....

Often times we try and "dumb down" our relationship with God, or simplify Him.....
We don't have to explain to Him how badly we hurt.....
how helpless we feel......
how awful.....
God created us....
There is nothing that we can say that He doesn't already know....
and I have to leave it there.....
When I try to come up with the words the only thing that comes are tears......

I have no words for Him....
He knows what my prayer is....

I hope so deeply that comfort finds this family,
that some day they will smile again.....

Each and every time I close my eyes I see them....
I hear them...
I see their precious son....

and I just cannot imagine......
I cannot imagine being the mother to one child, and then they are gone.....
I cannot imagine what Christmas will feel like this year.....
I cannot imagine spending every waking moment of your child's life fighting along side them......doing all that you can for them......trying to help them to not be sick.....and then one day, that fight is over......

I cannot imagine looking at my husband and seeing his pain,
I cannot imagine driving home with out my baby....
Forever trying to remember the sound of their laugh, the look in their eyes......
Working each moment to hold onto what once was.....

There is just no way to know how it feels, unless you have been there.....
I have not.....

This mother.....this father......they will always be a part of me.....from now until forever.
because they touched my life....
Even before they experienced such a loss.....

And although they have traveled the many miles to their home and I may never see them again....I know, I will never stop thinking about them.....

I just wish that everyone could know someone like them.....
I didn't know them well....
I didn't know more than enough.....
Enough to say to you that loss can happen....
to great people....
to funny people....
to moms....
to dads......

It can happen to people who don't see it coming....
to people who have a feeling that it might....

Loss can happen in the blink of an eye....
Just days after talking about Christmas shopping.....

Loss can happen to us all.
and it will happen......
We just don't know when....or to what degree.....

The thing about loss is this....
it isn't fair.....
it isn't justified....
it hurts.

It can never be said enough....
There will never be a day when it has been said too much.....
Cherish those in your life.....
Enjoy the moments you are blessed to receive.....

Remember these people....
this couple....
the one's that you have never met,
but I wish you had.....

Remember that this is not just a story...
A tragedy for you to read....

This is truth....
This happened.....

Remember that tonight....
a mother,
a father....
are with out their baby.....
their son.
their one and only.......

Don't let a moment be wasted.....



2 comments:

  1. Thank you, Amanda

    ReplyDelete
  2. I want to write something here but I don't have any words that can explain how I feel... thank you....

    ReplyDelete